White Lily (Dazai Osamu x gn! Reader)

Fear

This is the first time you've seen your own blood...You can confirm now that truly, it is in fact red, just as everyone else's is. A bright, passionate, hue of red.

You scream out. Maybe it's it in agony? In excitement? Or maybe in complete shock.

The thing you're feeling, you're unsure of, but whatever it is...you don't think you like it. You groan as the pain grows stronger.

"How did you do that?!" You ask in a panic. Your emotions are high right now, and you're teetering on the edge of insanity.

"That would be my gift, No Longer Human. I can cancel out the powers of any Gifted with so much as a touch."

You grip your hand tightly and suck in air sharply as a response to the injury. You stumble backward a bit. Meanwhile, Dazai stares at you with zero expression on his face. That is, until he suddenly smirks at you.

"Hey. You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you look a little terrified. Congrats."

Terror...Oh hell...He's probably right. This feeling is definitely fear. By some stroke of luck or misfortune, you'd met this guy who can actually hurt you.

Your chest begins heaving and you begin shaking. A roaring laughter escapes you. Or...are you crying? You can't tell right now. Dazai speaks to you again, a little less smugly this time.

"(Y/n). I fully agree with you that pain is a part of the human experience. Suffering is something no person can escape as long as they hold breath in their lungs. Everyone experiences it. Many call it proof of one's existence. To be completely honest, suffering can even be a reason for living as well when you think about it."

A reason for living...What? If that wasn't the most masochistic thing you just heard, then you don't know what is. You cease your laughing or crying or whatever it is to listen better to what he's saying.

"What do you mean?" He looks at you coldly in response. Dazai takes a step closer to you again. However, something's changed. You feel different about it than before. Did this guy become more intimidating? No...That's not it...He seems more dangerous... maybe?

"What I mean by that," He says, "Is that when people know suffering, naturally, they begin to fear it and despise it. There are two ways to respond after that: You either choose to live, or you choose to die. Some who suffer will decide to end it all. Personally, I sympathize with these poor souls." Dazai crosses his arms before continuing.

"The thing is however, most become fearful of losing their lives. Now when there's so much suffering to be had by living, why is that? It's because there is a fear of suffering in death itself. Our lack of knowledge on the subject makes it a difficult pill to swallow. After all, one doesn't want to die only to suffer more. Hence, one's reason for living is because they have a reason 'not to die'."

You contemplate this for a moment. The fear of death...You confirmed your fear of death has indeed been heightened since Dazai's stunt a moment ago.

"There's also the approach that some live just for those feelings of overcoming struggles and adversity. From what I understand, you yourself felt you were missing a chance at such a thing, yes? So you joined the Port Mafia in order to find that?"

You hear everything he's saying, but you can't focus anymore. That pain you felt, while interesting at first, is becoming a distraction to you. The assignment...You need to finish it. Then you can go back the HQ and receive treatment. You clutch your bleeding hand a bit tighter.

"That's great and all, but what does all this have to do with anything?" You ask. He chuckles in response.

"Say (Y/n). Let me confirm something. Do you really still have a reason for remaining in the Port Mafia? As you said before, it was a bit of a gamble as you didn't know if you'd get what you were looking for. Were you not planning on giving up your search in the Port Mafia in favor of something different?"

"What?"

"Tell me (Y/n). You feel it too, don't you? You've grown a bit terrified of me. And it's because I'm the one person that can, in fact, hurt you and cause you suffering. The only person in the world."

You suddenly become aware of sweat rolling down the side of your face. Your necktie suddenly feels like it's about to choke you, and you notice the proximity with which Dazai is standing to you.

"I'm sure you've realized something was off, right (Y/n)? After all, just as you had predicted, there were no goods nor any smugglers up here on the roof. Now why is that?"

Your heart rate shoots up hearing that. Just what is this guy's game? You speak in a shaky voice.

"Well, y-yeah. That's to be expected. I explained it earlier. Your point is...?" Dazai's face returns to that of his smug expression.

"You want me to spell it out for you? (Y/n), the target of today's mission has never been any business deals or goods." Your panic rises some more.

"Then what did we come out here for?" Your head is spinning. You're completely losing it now.

"The target this whole time has been you. You've been planning on betraying the Port Mafia, yes?"

"..."