Changed me

It's a No Go

It can go without saying that practice kicked my ass. Every part of me is sore and I am pretty sure there is a knot the size of a golf ball forming on my shoulder. My hair is drenched in sweat and my body kills, but if I could go do this first practice all over again I would. My mom would have loved it. Instead of changing I just kept on the oversized off the shoulder shirt and my shorts. All the girls were either in the locker room or in the dance room coming up with choreography for the list of songs the coach gave us. The dance team always did small showcases every other weekend and then a big end of the year showcase. It was kind of nerve racking to think about dancing in front of an actual crowd but exciting at the same time.

"Hey Manny." Marcos's voice caused a wave of nausea to run through my body. We haven't spoken in a while unless it had to do with our project and I wasn't exactly complaining.

" I come in peace I promise." Marco raised his hands in surrender and I couldn't help but laugh a little maybe baby boy has finally learned his lesson. " Do you want to come to my party next week?"

This weekend was going to be a hard one. I honestly did not want to socialize with anyone and wasn't planning on doing so. This was the time of the year I wanted only to be with my dad.

"Thanks for the invite, but I can't make it." I was actually waiting for him to say something slick, but to my surprise he kept quiet and smiled. I think Marco has finally learned to be a decent human being.

" It is okay Manny. I'll see you around."

The drive home was quick I blasted feelin myself. I even attempted to follow along. I needed to stretch and just go to sleep.. Today was only Wednesday so I still had two more days to finish this damn project. As sucky as it sounds I might actually have to call that she devil Sasha and have her help me with this.

The house smelled as it always did around this time. The strong smell of chicken pesto pasta high in the air. The loud shriek of the blender making what I suppose is chocolate milkshakes. I knew what our meals would look like for the next couple of days. The kitchen held my dad sitting on one of the stools with a beer in his hand. For a moment, my mind flashed back to the first few months of my mom being gone. Dad wouldn't look at me and when we finally talked about it he told me I looked too much like her. I was her spitting image. The only thing I had from my dad was his eyes. Every other thing about me was her. I looked at the man in front of me and wanted desperately for him to make some childish joke as always, but I knew he wouldn't.

"Hey daddy." I said kissing his cheek. It was weird the way our home shifted during this time of year. I seemed to fall back into being the ten-year-old girl who didn't know anything besides her mom was gone and her father didn't want to look at her.

" Hi sweetheart." He rubbed my arm lightly and even that slight bit of affection let me know that times have changed.

"Dinner and then the honeymooners?" I asked knowing our plans have always been the same.

"Sure thing honey lamb." My dad said his voice low. The honeymooner was mom's favorite show. She could quote the show word by word. I remember sitting on the couch as she did my hair and watched the show quoting the words. Man oh man how I wish I could sit with her one more time and watch it.

The night passed by uneventfully neither of us talking just the television filling the space dad fell asleep on the couch and instead of even attempting to move him I just covered him with a blanket. Turning all the house lights off I let the darkness calm my racing heart. The hardest part of my mom being gone is simply that she's gone. It took me two whole years to let the realization settle in. Unshed tears took up residence in my eyes and I held them there. Not wanting them to fall not yet at least. The buzzing of my phone in my pocket interrupts my every thought.