Thoughts On Things

Entry 4

I've been feeling so down today. Sadness, boredom, tiredness, numbness. I think I spent most of the day staring, not quite thinking of anything.

That wasn't so bad. It's nice to pass the time so quickly like that, even if it does feel a bit of a waste. Then I got to thinking again. I was listening to a song called A Tout Le Monde by Megadeth. The chorus was in French so I googled the meaning and found it quite nice. "To everyone, to all my friends, I love you, I must go." I think I'd like my last words to be something along those lines. But the problem is, even in death, I think I'd want to prove I'm smart or wise or something similar, silly as it sounds. So I'd like to put in some philosophical quote for my last words. I'd like to say it all calmly, maybe chuckling slightly, coughing a bit. I don't think I'd like a video for my last words, or a face to face. I'd like an audio. Or maybe a diary if audio isn't an option. I think I'd try saying it in a way that made it seem as if I weren't afraid; as if I was mocking death. Of course, however, death is scary. But I dread the deaths of loved ones more than myself. I'd like to go before my parents and siblings, despite me being the youngest. I don't deal with grief so well and wouldn't like to deal with such a huge amount.

Here's one of many drafts of my last words. "Hey *cough* everyone. In case I don't *cough* make it, *cough* I figured I'd get down some last words. Cover my bases *chuckle*. To my cousin; you're a great guy and a smart one, so I'm sure you'll be fine. Just keep the trouble to a minimum for now, don't get caught. To my grandparents; I love you so, and not only because you spoiled me greatly. You're funny, kind and have so much to say. To my friends; I'm not always the best friend, in fact I'm likely never the best friend. But you were all the best friends I could ask for, and I thank you. To my siblings; I'm not exactly your brother, but you never let me catch on to that fact. I love you so much and enjoyed our time together greatly. To my parents; keep the fighting down a little. I love you both so much. To the world; I love you but I must go. These are my last words and they will set me free."

That last line was paraphrasing Dave Mustaine, who wrote A Tout Le Monde. 

I'm aware that death isn't so kind as to give me time to speak and deliver the performance of a lifetime. But I do hope my last words are ok. I hope they're a tearjerker at least to those I love. And I hope I'm not forgotten, but also not mourned for too long. I want to be remembered fondly, bringing smiles when remembered, not tears. 

On the subject of death, I suppose I'll share my views on it. I do think it's the end all. Brain activity ceases and I don't believe in the soul. And I think that's fine. It only serves to increase the value of life, for we only live it once and never experience anything like it again. We are all equal in death and without judgment. I think at the end of the day, it's just a nice, long sleep. And I think it's a rest we all need, for life is beautiful and so tiresome. 

I begun reading Beyond Good and Evil. It was talking about the Will to Truth, and why we value the truth so much, which of course got me thinking on the subject. I think critical thinking is the most important aspect of reading. Do not read and accept, read and debate. I like to think I'm quite logical, in most ways. So I believe it's just evolutionary. We value the truth to weed out predators wishing to harm us. Though it might not be. It might just be the result of curiosity. The truth may be the hardest to find, therefore offering the greatest challenge and the most mental stimulation. Or it could be both. Or if it's evolutionary, it could've just spun out of control. I think love is similar. Initially a logical thing, forcing us to reproduce in a kinder way. But it leads to illogical things. Self sacrifice. I think love and self sacrifice are beautiful and so sad.

My thoughts here today have been cynical I suppose and quite self-centered. But it is my journal, so I suppose it doesn't matter. It's merely my job to write down any thoughts I remember and find worth writing down. 

Just an afterthought, but why do we have such an obsession on comparison? Everytime I catch myself feeling sad or anxious, I can't help but think; "Oh, well, not as bad as getting stabbed through the back with a poisonous dagger, eh?" It's like I'm trying to find a reason my sadness is unjustified. Why should sadness be justified? It has its reasons and I doubt they need be explained and thoroughly dissected and disproved. Sometimes people are just sad, I suppose. We needn't justify anything, I believe, especially not to ourselves. I just hope I can stop finding reasons to unjustify my sadness or happiness, and just let myself feel for no reason at all.

Good night.