Thoughts On Things

Entry 15

One of my greatest hatreds is that of the human body. I don't particularly mind the way I look, but feel immensely disgusted at having one. Every time my stomach makes a sound, every time food gets stuck between the teeth, every time snot comes out, every time I use the bathroom I'm reminded of what a disgusting thing it is to be trapped inside a human body. It interferes with my dreaming too. Even there I cannot escape the horrors of the body. Another thing that truly irks me is the birthing process. When I think about it I shudder at the thought we all came from such a disgusting place. All those odd bodily fluids. All the blood and pain and noise. I wish I were a character in fiction, or better yet, I wish I was the me of my dreams; the one without flaws who was never birthed, who never hungered or thirsted, who therefore never are or drunk or sneezed or coughed. If only I could enter my dreams and become my ideal self; instead I am reminded of reality whenever any bodily process disgusts me. If death were assured to be a permanent dream, I wonder who wouldn't commit suicide.

The dream world tempts me further by merging with reality; my shadows on the wall are so far removed from human I almost believe my dreams have come true; then I look at myself and see the humanity and wake up, sadder than before. To be a shadow, to be anything other than human, what a dream.

I'd like to talk about a subject that has recently captured my interest - the Milgram Experiment. Before I begin, I'd like to state that 2 truths have been assumed; 1. It is in the nature of man to wish to harm others. 2. Nietzsches Internalization of Man theory is, for the most part, correct. I will not elaborate in great detail about the experiment's procedures, methods, or results unless I see fit, as all information is available elsewhere and it would be nonsensical for me to repeat it here. 

The aim of the experiment, from my understanding, was to find out what factors contribute to obedience - this would be useful in determining why so many Germans were able to go along with the actions of the Nazis during World War 2. However, looking at it closer, I see a secret benefit or 2 - the test is actually a war of sorts itself, a war between passive obedience and active obedience; passive obedience is caused when you are obedient to something, but that something is not actively repeated to you often - this could be something like law or morality; active obedience is caused by someone repeatedly telling you to do something on a regular basis, it is not something you can merely forget about for a moment as you will soon be reminded of it - in this case, the experimenter's instructions during the Milgram experiment. 

Before the experiment was conducted, many people fairly well versed in the ways of the human mind estimated that only 1% - 3% at most - would follow along with the experimenter's instructions beyond a certain point, that of 300 volts. They also assumed many would refuse to even participate in the experiment. Both of these assumptions proved to be wrong - all 40 participants reached 300 volts, and 24 continued to the end. When put in terms of how willing one would be to harm another when instructed to, these results may sound shocking, but when put in terms of passive obedience and active obedience, these results seem obvious and expected; obedience will always be higher when the one requesting obedience is monitoring you, is my theory, though calling it a theory is presumptuous as it seems impossibly obvious. If everyone had a police officer assigned to them constantly reminding them of the law, crime would cease almost entirely. 

I do have other reasons the subjects could've been so obedient, relating to the 2 assumptions I made going into this. Reason 1 being that, though denied and repressed and hidden, the instinct to harm others is an innate part of being human and cannot be fully shut out, so therefore, even if unknowing and denying it, subjects may have continued simply to satiate that instinct. Reason 2 doesn't relate to the high obedience levels, but rather the stress still present - if the instinct to harm was being satiated, then why would guilt and stress still be present? I'd put this down to 2 reasons. 1 is that the habit of this internalization of instincts has been present for most of one's life, and habits that old are not rid of in hours. Another reason could possibly be the buildup of this harmful instinct throughout life - simply harming one man for a while is not enough to satiate it. I do wonder if that's why serial killers continue to go on - I'd also be interested in knowing if, in serial killers where guilt was present in the beginning, guilt ceased after a certain amount of murders or assaults or rapes, or after a certain amount of time. 

I think if I had to sum up my current sadness, it would be; in the day I can be seen, in the night I cannot see.

Good night.