Thoughts On Things

Entry 13

Sometimes I find great solace in the fact that, at any time, I could choose to end my life. It makes me feel almost invincible in a way, knowing the only thing I have to lose is my life, and nothing else. And then, after feeling like this for a while, I remember how I've been taught that life is valuable, the only thing we've got. I'm sure it's not life itself we value though, but rather the things within life. For me, I'm not exactly scared of death (though I'm sure my body is), I'm scared of losing things such as reputation, connections, power. So death, at times, seems to be comforting to me. 

Though I've never seen the need to do it, the thought it's there is very comforting, and probably what I'd turn to in times of crises, if those times ever arise. I am wholly unreliable, even my body cannot rely on me to keep itself alive. But I doubt those times will ever come, for me, and if they do they will come for us all and I will no longer care about things like reputation and so will be free; a different kind of death, the death of me as a public figure (though I am not particularly public).

If I were ever to find out I was immortal somehow, the first thing I'd do is wait, until everyone who knows me is sure to be dead. I'd run and hide until no one knew of my existence - I was resigned to a mere record in a computer system, absent from memories. Returning to society would be the hard part. Assuming society develops in the direction it is now for the next century, I assume surveillance will be far greater and any action I make will be known. I'm sure my face will flag up on some system as unknown and I'll be taken in by police, or whatever entity would deal with an unknown like this. Maybe I'd be treated as some sort of illegal immigrant - if so, I doubt I will be treated kindly. If something like the death penalty has returned to my country, and I receive it, thereby revealing my status as an immortal, I'd likely be subject to all sorts of experiments, or torture under the guise of experimentation. But there is comfort in immortality - you can outlive any problem you have. Eventually, the government trapping you will cease to exist. And once again, everyone who knows of you will be dead. Inevitably, you'll be the last living thing, or last living known thing from your knowledge. Then, one could throw oneself into space and float, unconscious, until they crash land onto another planet. One could do this for all eternity - you could even throw yourself into a nearby star and make it impossible for your body to regenerate until the star reaches its death, allowing you to regenerate and float off to another planet. This would be the greatest method of passing time and would help considerably in easing your suffering. I do think the best thing to do would be to jump into a black hole, however. I think that would be the single greatest, and single worst, experience imaginable and would be a fitting final act - if it may be the final act, one that continues for eternity or what seems like eternity. 

I think I'm quite pessimistic. My rational self tells me it's not all that bad, but emotionally I hate most things and most people and view the world as a cesspool. Despite that, that same emotional self is quite the romantic. The thought of love brings butterflies to my stomach and hastens my heart's beating; then the other emotional self tells me love just isn't for me. Love has been on my mind lately, for some reason, perhaps because I read a novel with the vague topic of love mentioned within it. I'm very easily influenced like that. My mood seems entirely to depend on the most recent bit of stimulus I've taken in. In severe cases, my very being, the core traits of me, seem to be shaken and changed and swapped about. 

I don't recall a great many times when I've sought to fit in or to stand out. I think this is owed to the fact that I have a great difficulty in seeing myself through the eyes of others, so would have no way of telling if I stood out or fit in anyway. Though I suppose if I stood out too much, bullying may occur and leave me with no choice but to come to the conclusion that I didn't fit in; that hasn't happened so far, so I must fit in.

I'd like to be rich, in the future. And quick. I'm sure this is a dream held by many a fellow human, because money is freedom, and freedom is often happiness. I'd like to get enough money to sustain myself for life, a life of luxury that is, without having to work past my 30th year. The only way I can feasibly see that happening is if I create something great and sell it, but I have neither the drive nor intellect to do that, at the moment. I think I'll aim to be a lawyer instead and enjoy my elderly retirement. Though, sadly, at that time, my body may restrict my freedom. If that time comes, I wonder if freedom will be worth sacrificing life for?

I think some of Machiavelli's wisdom applies to situations other than the ones he spoke of in his book The Prince; "in the beginning of the malady it is easy to cure but difficult to detect, but in the course of time, not having been either detected or treated in the beginning, it becomes easy to detect but difficult to cure." In other words, you don't notice a problem until it's punched you in the face - and by that time, well, it's punched you in the face, so the fight against it will be hard. I think it applies to a various number of situations. If unchecked, confidence leads to arrogance, sadness leads to suicide, anxiety leads to illness, fear leads to cowardliness, etc. It's a good book that I'd recommend reading, lots of solid advice if you ever need to take down a country and rule it, or if you need to live a little better.

Good night.