Thoughts On Things

Entry 14

Sometimes I find myself wishing for a tragedy to occur. The death of a loved one. A terrible illness. Something like that. I don't think I wish to be sad, and I most certainly would be sad if those events happened (in fact, I weep about them even before they occur), but I'd like for some justification for the sadness I already feel. When justified, I'll be able to express the sadness from the tragedy and express the sadness already present at the same time, expelling both and leading me to happiness. I usually imagine myself in tragic situations for this reason; I often find I'd be happier than I were today if I were told I have a few months to live. But I'm not sure if knowing my date of death would motivate me or demotivate me; "I've only got a little time to do a lot," or "what's the point in doing it, I'll be dead soon." Though I suppose I should make every action with the latter in mind, for I cannot control when I'll die. Tomorrow I could fall down the stairs and split my skull open. If only I could realize the things I dream of are indeed real, maybe then I could fear them and seek them out.

The view out my window this morning is perfectly beautiful. Fog covers the earth and I can only make out silhouettes of distant trees, the only thing clear on the ground being my garden. Above the fog, almost blending in, is what seems to be one massive cloud; the top edge of which is nearly straight, which is profoundly impressive. Above that impossibly beautiful edge is a blue sky. Not the type of blue that is so bright it annoys you; an almost grey blue that perfectly compliments the rest of my view. It should bring about a feeling of melancholy, but this view is so far removed from anything else I can't associate any emotion with it other than peace. In the blue sky, the lines from 2 planes, now hundreds of miles away, stand out with their whiteness. Looking back a few moments later, a yellow tint can be seen crawling up the blue sky; the sun is rising and the view is no less and no more beautiful for it.

Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in life and truly believe it to be the universe. And then I look outside and see a world completely unaffected by my mood and I realize, even only slightly, how small and unimportant I am; in that statement I find nothing but peace, and I let my shoulders relax.

This is a short entry but I feel so utterly drained of my usual troubles for the moment that I just wish to sleep in nature's apathetic embrace.

Good night.