Thoughts On Things

Entry 5

I've been so angry today, or maybe frustrated is a more suitable word. I never like to appear emotional, so I always try to maintain a cool, lovable front. But this boredom and frustration of being surrounded by people I don't find funny, people who don't find me funny, forced to play along in little games with only small moments of entertainment in between has driven me to my breaking point. I very much feel like crying, but crying always brings up questions, "Why so sad?" I get it's out of concern and likely comes from a good place but I simply don't want to hear it.

I hope I can calm down quickly, as soon I will be forced to watch a film with these same people! I just hope they don't speak to me. But tomorrow, I'll have to endure a two hour long car ride. Only 3 of us in the car! I don't mind one of them, but the other is beginning to anger me. I just hope the seating arrangement is set up in a way that dissuades him from speaking to me, or noticing me. I really would've cried or done something if I didn't remove myself from the room quickly. 

I really hate when people say they understand and offer their sympathies. I just want to be unique in my grief, at the very least. I think I just bottle it all up, and it comes out on days like these. Then I just bottle it up again, the emotions growing larger each time. Sometimes I do shout, of course, get some emotions out. But not in recent years. I think next time I get too emotional I'll break something or hurt someone. Whenever that may be.

Hours have passed since the writing of the previous paragraphs and the whole ordeal is over. It was quite simple really. All I had to do was sleep. I slept through the day, came downstairs, reconciled with family, laughed the matter off while drawing attention away from it and quickly came back to my bedroom. I always do have a habit of over exaggerating the importance or difficulty of situations. I'm sure lots of people do. I wonder how my family thought of the matter. Did they even consider it a matter?

I realize now, as I have before and will surely realize again later, that most things in life are trivial, side quests or optional pieces of dialogue, that you can simply get through by agreeing with people and being agreeable. Even situations which may appear difficult or anxiety bringing can be dealt with in such a matter. The problem is, or the hard part, is removing yourself from the situation. Everything is subjective of course. I can't view things objectively, less so in the moment, and will often get caught up in the heat of it all and break all the simple rules laid out. I've noticed that in a way, less polite, less kind people are often easier to deal with in such a matter. Of course, sometimes there's no helping it and they will react terribly no matter your response, but most of the time it seems that they are easier to be around. They often get bored of your non-responses and move on, ignoring you, or just lash out in some way. More polite people often have the tendency to focus on you, stirring up conversation that you can't, or can't be bothered to offer.

It is rather embarrassing to think back on my earlier state. I suppose it was simply a case of me losing my cool slightly and throwing a childish tantrum. The exact opposite of what I wish to do. I would very much like to be able to react calmly and coolly to every situation, to attain a state of perfect apathy in which I do not care one way or another. But, alas, emotions, I suppose.

I always find myself thinking about how characters would act in given situations. I don't know if it's the fault of the author or my lack of imagination, but I can hardly imagine their actions and feelings. How would they react to a lukewarm drink? A squeaky floorboard? A warm bed? I just want to know, to get a better idea of the characters I suppose.

Whilst typing that, I couldn't help think of the words act and react. I think it's a good way of classifying people. Actors and reactors. I'd classify myself as more of a reactor. I don't particularly go out of my way to do things, I just examine the opportunities ahead of me and go for the most interesting, or the path of least resistance. I suppose the actors would go out and search for opportunities, create them themselves. I think the actors would be the oppressors, if we compare it to the classification of oppressors and oppressed. But I also think, given the opportunity, the reactors would be the oppressors. Always such a difficulty, classifying people. We're just far too complex as individuals, there will always be exceptions to every classification. 

I often hear people talk about books, movies, people, moments that changed their lives and I've never quite understood it. There are no definitive moments in my life. A quote from the poem "The Movie" by Jim Morrison comes to mind; "Did you have a good world when you died? Enough to base a movie on?" As of right now, I can confidently say no. Movies have climaxes, and focus on very specific, impactful events in life. Mine would be a slow, indie project, consisting of hundreds of shots of me lying in bed, not quite doing anything with life. Never have I had an earth shattering revelation despite my desire to have one. Strangely, I don't seek to change my boring life, despite my complaints. Must be laziness.

I found a rare book, I think, for a good price lately. A couple quid, in fact. I just picked it up since I thought it looked old and interesting. Some collection of fairy tales, with some nice illustrations. I'm not sure I'll sell it, considering its condition, but it would sell for a bit, hundred quid maybe. I think I'd prefer to keep it, even after I finish reading it. Well, that's all.

Good night.