Thoughts On Things

Entry 12

There's a certain purity in arrogance, it seems. Almost a cuteness at the innocence of one who can believe with all their heart that they are great; it's as though they're untainted by doubt and knowledge of those superior. How must they have grown up to avoid that? Likely surrounded by compliments, educated alone or among inferiors; maybe they truly are great and the arrogance is simple confidence, labeled arrogance by those like me who wish to drag them down to our level of daily self doubt and incredible amounts of modesty, nay, cowardliness. 

On the topic of greatness, a common expression is that there's always someone better. But surely that can't be true, there must be someone at the top, logically speaking. I suppose for those religious it would be God or the Gods. For those pure it would be themselves. And for those wise it would be anyone but themselves. 

I remember reading in a book, I believe The Genealogy of Morality by Nietzsche, that if we take common sense as those expressions that are common, it makes no sense at all as there are many contradicting common expressions. "Look before you leap," "take a leap of faith." I can't think of other examples but there definitely are a few. I suppose the answer to this is that you should use them in different situations, but is it common sense in which situation you are to use them? They soon become hard to trust when you think of them, and their use becomes meaningless for the moment one is uttered it is countered by another phrase just as commonplace.

Later on in the book he goes on to talk about how weakness has been bred within man, how we've turned weakness into virtues. Patience is a virtue, so wait and wait until you eventually cannot act. Forgiveness is a virtue so do not sow seeds of chaos, even against those who are wrong. He also goes on to speak about the origin of punishment. In summary, from what I understand, punishment is just the payment of a debt. The debtor, the criminal, now owes a debt to those he has wronged. The punishment is the way of paying this debt. The payment itself could either be monetary, apologies from the criminal, etc, or as is commonplace, pleasure for the wronged in seeing the criminal suffer. Before it was executions, or torture, now it is prison time and still death sentences in certain places. We allow forgiveness to come by receiving pleasure in the pain of those who wrong us, for witnessing suffering and inflicting it is still a very crucial part of our instinct, though now it is condemned and hidden away and we only alleviate it in cases like this or by watching fictional suffering in media. I'm not entirely sure if I fully understand or agree with him, but it's interesting nonetheless. 

I recently saw a piece of art where bonds, friendships, connections, were interpreted as strings. In my mind I view them more as chains, for I feel bonds usually just restrain me. The more I get to know someone, the less they get to know me. Within my mind, I'm always changing, which makes sense, for I'm in my developmental years still. And yet, on the outside I only change in physical appearance. I feel as though I'm tied down by the image I've created in front of others, of a fairly quiet, average, careless person. The image does not portray me, but I feel as though I cannot change it, for fear of social embarrassment I suppose. In reality, I'm aware they likely wouldn't care. But I spend my days in dreams, and in the dreams everyone cares. I wonder if wishes are just the best form of procrastination. If we couldn't wish, or dream, could we only do? "I wish I could change." Would that turn into "I'm going to change?" 

I spoke about it a little earlier, but I think I'd like to fall in love someday. But whenever I think about it, I realize how unlikely it is for me in my current state. I don't think I'm impossible to fall in love with myself, but I'm far too picky. Despite my many flaws, I cannot accept any flaws in someone I wish to love romantically. And as perfection in the form of humanity doesn't grace the earth, nor would it choose to love me if it did, I see no chance of finding love in my current state. So, I must change and learn to accept the flaws that others accept within me. The anger, the dirtiness, the vulgar, the marks, all of it. I've heard love changes how the world appears, and my world very much needs changing right now. Love is revolution against boredom. 

"Be the change you want to see." I'd very much like for someone to change my life for me, say the right words, inspire me, but that seems to happen only in fiction. Luckily, through this fiction, I can hear those words and get inspired, so the need is partially removed. Still, lots of people out there need someone to talk to, to help them. I'd like to be someone who would go out seeking those people and lend aid. I think good people are beautiful. 

On the topic of love changing the world, in media it's often portrayed as a physical change. Colors grow more vibrant and the world is more colorful. Is the same effect not achieved in real life by switching on a light? Is there any way to know if your own world is monochrome, as we have no other worlds to compare it to? How do I tell if I'm sad, or content, by trusting something as fidgety and ineffable as feelings? Feelings so vague I can't think of a letter of the word used to describe them? A mix of so many unknown emotions it creates something pitch black and completely impossible to even see, only knowing it exists by this unexplained physical sickness I feel?

Good night.