Thoughts On Things

Entry 22

I am quite tired at the moment, in body, soul and mind. I suppose I owe this to a week long holiday truly messing me up. My mind and soul are most tired. Though I don't think soul is the correct word, for I do not believe in such a thing and instead use it simply to refer to emotions at the current time.

With this tiredness comes negativity and the desire to be negative. The desire to hate and be sad; overwhelmingly, the desire to be apathetic and the means to do so. I do think if a tragedy were to occur when I am in such a state, I would not be able to react correctly at all. I wonder if I would remain in this tired state all my life, stuck in that tragedy; though I'd have no reason to be stuck, as I'd be too tired to care.

Currently I am feeling most cynical, I suppose. I have worn out my happiness and any intellectual capability I had, and my body is no better off. I have no optimism nor rational mind capable of creating said optimism, thus I hate. It is in moments like these I wish for it all to end, not for anything rational. In moments like these I see my own truths. 

No God is real, there is nothing after death for oneself, yet all else continues, life is completely meaningless, it does not matter when I die, how I die, or how I am remembered. Death is the end all. 

Does ignorant make one free from sin, from judgement? I doubt many people would condemn the baby that cries for food, though they may of course feel annoyed, yet if an adult did the same I'm sure some condemnation would appear. If a baby were to kill a man - somehow - would it be condemned? Treated the same as the adult who accidentally kills another? Can you sin without having knowledge of what is sinful? I am not sure.

One connection we have with our ancestors is our natural reflexes. I blink just as the caveman did thousands of years before and just as the Ancient Greek did. I pull my hand away from fire without thinking of the source, just as they would. These responses are unaffected by thought in most cases, and thus unaffected by circumstance; thus we are connected with our ancestors and the same as them. Is that all man is without thought? A set of reflexes, of natural responses? An animal? How can we then blame human nature when one kills another for enjoyment? Is that our nature, or just a shallow excuse? But surely if it keeps happening, regardless of knowledge or circumstance, if these murders do happen, then it is surely another part of human nature outside of reflex and outside of thought? Though it is in thought, I suppose. 

Worth is a living concept; it is not a human concept, but one unique to living beings. Even the dumbest animals give worth to things, they search for food and value food more than not having food, they value life more than death. Thus, as long as a living thing exists, something has worth. But when all is dead, worth ceases to exist. Could it be hard to accept that it's all worthless and meaningless in the non-existent eyes of the non-living things? Hard to accept that when all is gone it will all be worthless and meaningless, thus the need to create a being that will always live and has always lived, a being that can always give worth? God, of course. Something to give worth to all. To give worth to all, he must know all, and have infinite compassion, thus he does.

I do believe it's all meaningless in the end, and thus meaningless forever since it will soon lack meaning. And all worthless all the same, though I understand for now it has meaning and worth for there are things to give it worth. I suppose this owes to my lack of belief in a God.

In the past I've called myself agnostic, but I suppose I may be closer to being an atheist. Or a mix of both. I do not believe there is any sort of God, nor immortality - the afterlife - and also believe that nothing can be known about such things. Though I personally do not see how any such thing could exist and see it as an entirely human concept. 

I am interested in religion, however, and would be grateful for the opportunity to speak to those who do believe, from various religions. I've listened to a few Christian speakers but have not been convinced to believe nor to want to believe (is there a difference?). Though I do think that trying to prove the existence of God is foolish, and blasphemous by religious standards. Proof removes faith, from my understanding. If God exists and wanted to prove their existence, they would. Thus, if God exists, they do not want to prove their existence and instead want faith without proof - proof directly goes against their wishes then. 

I listened to one today but was lost halfway through. The man started speaking as if I already believed God existed, or that the afterlife existed. Speaking as if their existence is an undeniable fact - very faithful, indeed. But alas, I am not convinced of any sort of higher power or supernatural existence. All is natural. Lack of understanding does not necessitate the state of being supernatural. The gun would seem holy to the caveman and simple to the modern man. Why should the beginning of the universe be different? 

To summarize. It is all without meaning and worth, or will be without meaning and worth. Nothing matters and there is no God, immortality or soul. Despite this, I have morality and such things and will obey laws and likely similar moral standards to those seen in religions. 

Good night.