Thoughts On Things

Entry 7

What does it mean to be content? And for that matter, what does it mean to be discontent? The definitions are fairly easy. Content is a state of satisfaction, of peaceful happiness. Discontent is not being satisfied with one's circumstances. And yet, when I ask myself the question, am I content, I hear no answer bounced back within my mind. I get the same silence when I ask if I am discontent. Then I asked myself the question, would I be happy doing what I did today everyday for the next 100 years? I just got the vague, non-answer of I don't know. Today has not been a bad day, and yet I can't, with confidence, say it's been a good one. I don't know if I'd be content doing the same thing I did today for a century, yet I can't say I'd be discontent. 

If I can not even answer a simple question such as am I content, can I even be content? The same applies for discontentment as well, of course. I think the best word to describe my current state would be that of nothingness, and even this word is not an apt description. I am not aware of any single word, or even a collection of words, fully capable of describing any human emotion at any given point. I do not owe this to the poor quality of construction of language, I think it is just a natural limit in language, in everything. Perhaps if I were a better craftsman, with words being my resource, I'd be able to construct a weapon that fully expresses me. Or if I were a better painter. But in my current state, I can not think of a way to express this emotion in any medium. 

Therefore, I must clarify the emotion, or whirlpool of emotions within me before aptly describing them, or it. To do this, I must discover myself. But myself is a vague concept, hidden deep within dreams and inaccessible thoughts hidden behind mental barriers and the constraint of time. Locked away by fear and guilt and laziness. Perhaps by analyzing these dreams, or fantasies, or fragments of self, I can know myself. 

Looking into these fantasies, I notice the figure always there in every dream. The figure is the watcher, the knower, and is myself. The figure is myself, and the exact opposite of me in almost every way. It knows things and speaks with confidence of its knowledge, has no doubts about itself, or others, and yet is correctly suspicious of all around it. It is happy and content and knows it, and knows when it is discontent as well. Of course, there are the more obvious traits that are wished for. Intelligence, confidence, handsomeness, physical health. These may seem like only surface level desires, and they may be, yet they are a vital part of myself and must be considered and remembered. 

As the figure, or myself, and the dreams, are practically opposed to my daily life in almost every way, I can only come to the conclusion, at the moment, that I am discontent, for I dream of what I do not have. Do those content with themselves dream, or are they the dream themselves? 

A few hours have passed since then. I think one of my goals in life is to find, or create, a way of thinking, a way of life, best suited to what I want. Though I am not sure what I want, so I suppose that I must first figure that out. 

I, like many others, of course have worldly desires to gain money, food, water, entertainment, all the human necessities that most people require and seek. But I don't feel a need to have an exorbitant amount of any, and do not believe I will have much problem fulfilling these desires in most of the ways of life I choose. So, I do not think they come into much importance in finding my philosophy, unless there's something explicitly restricting me from gaining them, or forcing me to gain an abundance of them. 

Then, we must look further into myself, into my deeper desires. I think love is quite an important part of many peoples' lives, but I believe I have given enough and received enough for a lifetime, by my standards of how much I should love and be loved. I do not want, or will enjoy, being hated, however. Instead, I would like to be liked at best and disliked at worst. I've already covered my views on reproduction in a previous entry, but they are subject to change and I have no concrete answer. I think the deepest, most complex, desire I have, is to know myself entirely. I believe it is a desire I will dedicate a lifetime to, and still not fulfill. But people have often said that the seeking of the knowledge is the fun part, so I will learn to enjoy it. I'm of the belief that people can get used to anything with enough time dedicated to it. They may even enjoy it. Even Hell.

Speaking of Hell, I think I'd best write down my views on religion. I'd say I'm agnostic for the moment, and would like to believe I'm open minded. I don't know too much about religion, but would say I know most about Christianity. I don't believe religion is evil, nor good, as it's simply an idea. And I don't know enough about the world to say the people in charge are using it for good, evil, or even if they're using it, or it is using them. It's all politics, mainly, I'm sure. I am interested in the mythology, however. Especially that of Christianity. So, I will now speak on Heaven and on Hell.

I don't believe Heaven nor Hell are places, but instead states of being. If there truly is an afterlife, which I do not believe there is, and it consists of Heaven and Hell, I believe the aforementioned statement. You are not quite anywhere, and not quite nowhere, but you needn't be concerned, and you wouldn't be concerned. Supposing God and the Devil are fairly powerful beings, I'm sure controlling the mind of a human would be fairly easy. So, I believe in Heaven, God would simply take away anything negative, and constantly make you feel content. Not in constant pleasure, but content, at peace with everything. Never getting bored, never having doubts or worrying, being content. In Hell, the opposite. You simply never feel content or satisfied. You have doubts you've never had, worry about things that can't be worried about, feel every little thing is wrong and unjust. You feel bad, to sum it up. For all of eternity, you either feel good, or bad. Heaven or Hell. 

Now, regarding Pascal's wager. He wagered, as my version goes at least, that we should believe in God, for we have everything to gain, Heaven, by believing in him, and not much to lose. However, I suppose something like pride or lack of faint prevents me from doing so, or even wanting to do so.

This entry has become quite long and I am fairly tired, so will end it here.

Good night.