Thoughts On Things

Entry 9

Currently, I am afflicted by a pain. I am not sure if it is mental, physical or both. It feels as though a thousand thoughts are whirling around in my mind from every direction, too quiet to hear and understand, loud enough to know they're great and create desire. A pressure seems to be shrinking my mind, pushing on my skull from every direction. The pressure is too small to identify its cause, yet too great to simply ignore. I cannot stop myself from thinking and sleep, currently, alludes me. The phrase "I have no mouth and I must scream," comes to mind, as I feel, as of right now, that I am unable to express my feelings, even within my own mind. 

I would like to write something. A short story. And I would like to express something in this story, as stories are just a medium for which to convey a message. But when I began thinking about what I would like to express, I saw I had nothing, really, worth expressing. No views or thoughts that I see the need to share, even with myself. Anything I would like to convey is too abstract for me to convey with my lacking skills. How do I express this mind boggling confusion in life, this skull crushing pressure, this complete lack of knowledge, this slight self-awareness that makes me aware I'm not aware enough? How do I express myself, write a book titled my name, my life, me? 

I've just finished Metamorphosis, by Franz Kafka, so am influenced by that book currently. I'd like to write something similar, not the same, but expressing my own struggles. And I am not sure how to. I can only convey them plainly through this blog, which only conveys the base level of these thoughts, not the feelings accompanying them. A meager representation, a poor adaptation, translation. Ah, a thought, an idea, has popped to mind. I will return shortly after expanding on this idea. 

I don't think it's the best idea, in fact it could be terrible. But I see no harm in giving birth to this idea and watching it grow. Whether I lose interest in it as a child or see it bloom into a beautiful adult, only time will tell.

I'm often very scared that at any moment, some loud noise followed by a terrifying being will appear. It's a completely irrational fear, probably birthed by some random childhood event, yet one that still lives in my mind, its nutrition being slight surprises and the silence that often occurs in life. This fear is often accompanied by another one, the being being right behind me, or round a corner, or on the ceiling. It often has me looking around, even when there's nowhere to look. But these fears, although ever present, are quite easily dealt with by simply seeing, and realizing they're not there and will never come into fruition. Though, they still stick with me, even being disproved. 

Regarding more existential fears, I don't particularly understand them, however much I'd like to. I've never been concerned that existence is a lie, that life is meaningless, that love is an illusion, we will never know anything etc. When I see my lack of fear, I tend to get quite disheartened. I wonder if I lack the understanding and willingness to believe to truly feel the fear. Or, on the other hand, I wonder if I accept things too easily and do not criticize them and try to understand them. For example, I too believe that life is meaningless, though believing this from a young age may mean I never developed any other views in the first place, thus giving me no opportunity to fear it. On the other hand, what if life does have some grander meaning? A meaning I never understand or even know of? What if we truly were all put on earth for something, to be kind, progress a civilization, something like that? And now I wonder, does that thought scare me? Is believing that life is meaningless just running away from the desire to ever find the meaning of life? Possibly, but then again, often times in these life is meaningless views the idea is to create your own beliefs or simply enjoy life, so is it running away still? The idea doesn't necessarily scare me, but I'll be glad to admit it concerns me and makes my head pound a little bit. 

One thought that does truly perplex me, one I don't think I'll ever be able to wrap my head around, is where it all began. I suppose I need a deeper understanding of physics to even begin understanding and theorizing, but even then I see myself confused. The end, I understand. The beginning, it astounds me. On that note, the idea of eternity. Impossible to comprehend for me. My mind truly hurts if I try. If something has always existed, as some believe, how? What is always? I understand it, vaguely, but do not comprehend it to any extent.

We should take more time when conversing, I believe. How many mistakes have been made by those caught up in the heat of the moment? For every response we hesitate to make, we should sit down, think, write if necessary, and come up with a proper answer. I believe this would make conversation much more profitable and help to bridge the gap between those who can come up with responses so fast and those who can't. We shouldn't put value on the time taken to give an answer or its volume. We should value the content of an answer, or a speech, over everything else. It seems simple, but often I've seen those who take a moment to think up an appropriate response be ridiculed and shouted out of a conversation. This is especially true when taking a moment to think is most important, such as in an argument or other high-intensity discussion.

Good night.