Thoughts On Things

Entry 33

What is unconditional love? It is love that is not predicated on any condition. This love, must, by definition, be universal and apply to everything. For, it is love without conditions; one would not love on the condition that the object of their affection is their brother, or son, or daughter, or mother; they would not love something on the condition that it is true, or real - they would love lies and false things just as they would love the true and real things. But would this love be equal? Would it have to be equal? I do not think so, but I am very unsure of the nature of love, so am not sure.

I wish I were immortal... Despite my youth, I have a very strong fear of death - of course, most everyone has this fear, but mine surfaces much more frequently. It's never dormant at the back of my mind, but always at the forefront. It controls most of my actions; limits them, removes any possibility of me having what I'd deem a fulfilling youth. I avoid anything high up, I don't even climb small railings. I walk slowly up and down stairs, always holding the rail. I don't go out at night, I don't drink, I avoid roads as much as possible. I walk slowly on wet surfaces - even on normal surfaces I tend to walk slowly, avoid running. Somehow, the idea - whether true or false - has entered my mind that humans are extremely weak. Of course, we are vulnerable to death, but I do not think we are as weak as I think we are. I do not think that I, as a healthy, young male, am really at risk of death with every little fall. And yet, I avoid every little fall. I can't recall any real sort of injury in the past 4 or so years. If I were immortal, or cared nothing for my life, or thought less about the dangers that come with things, I think I'd be much happier. I'd have a youth that I could look back on and go; "Ah, those were the good old days." At the rate I'm going, I'll look back and think; "Nothing has changed. Those days were as good as these. But, now my body is truly frail; I should've taken advantage of my youth, should've taken risks!" Ah, mortality...