Thoughts On Things

Entry 24

My family is, and by relation, I am, fairly wealthy. I've never wanted for anything essential and have a fairly large house with a lot of luxuries I could do without. I think this is important to know when reading anything I have written, for my entire viewpoint on life is constructed based on my life, of course, and thus is the viewpoint of an affluent child so far. Due to this lack of want and abundance of money, more than a child could ask for, I've learnt to spend needlessly. It has become bad habit of mine to spend hundreds without thinking twice, barely acknowledging the spending for more than a moment. And most of these purchases go forgotten and unused; I have wasted more money in my short life than a man in poverty will spend in his entire life, I think. Of course, many other things contribute to my ever changing outlook and thought process, but I think this a major one. I'm also a white male with fairly average looks in a decent area. Thus, me.

I think I will either have to change my spending habits or get a high-paying job in the future. Money buys freedom, and freedom is for many happiness. I spend a lot of money, my freedom comes at a high cost. Thus I need a lot of money and thus I need a high-paying job.

It is impossible to see life through another's eyes. The phrase, "put yourself in their shoes," is meant to mock, or at least does mock the inability of all to become another. It takes an entire lifetime of immense effort in every waking and sleeping moment to become oneself. This is true no matter how long or short a life is. As we only have one life, and that life is dedicated to becoming ourself, we cannot become another, for all are equally complex and all require the same immense, long effort. It is very hard to imagine another as complex as I. Even if I acknowledge that someone is superior in every way, that they are more intelligent, more wise, more thoughtful, mentally superior in every way, I will never be able to comprehend the idea that another comes even close to the complexity of the self. It is impossible, for I am not them and cannot see the life they see. I know they are as complex, yet do not understand or fully acknowledge it. Perhaps if I could understand, I would hesitate to speak and be in contact with another. Perhaps I'd condemn all others and myself. The very idea that someone else thinks completely differently to me - even if all of our opinions seem to align perfectly, there is difference - is extremely hard to comprehend. Let alone the idea that they think so differently yet with the same immense complexity and struggle and prolonged effort. I of course see others as human, but I do not see them as myself or even an equal in complexity; thus, none can understand each other, none can acknowledge one another, none can become another. I, and I alone, am complex. And I am sure this thought is common to all of humanity, even if not acknowledged or spoken within one's mind - it is the only truth the mind can conjure up.

Of course, others will have opposing view points. Yet they do not matter to me as much as my own view point, even if mine be completely wrong, for it is mine and it is the only view with such immense complexity. That is not to say that I will not adopt others' views and thoughts as my own; but I will refuse to acknowledge that they are made by an equal in complexity. 

I wonder if God relieves the burden of responsibility. It is impossible to have empathy for all others, for we do not have infinite empathy and compassion. But God does, so God can forgive and love and take care of. Thus, those who believe in God have no need to, but do not feel any guilt at not doing so. "May God rest his soul," "May God forgive her," "God is watching over us." A coping mechanism, I suppose, for our own inability to love infinitely, even if one proclaims to do so. But guilt is not infinite either, eventually you will run out of it, forget about it; once you run out of guilt there is no need for a God, for you have no burden, no heavy shoulders. I wonder, then, is it possible that I simply ran out of care, out of guilt, before coming in contact with God? Thus a lack of belief and need to believe? I wonder, also, if I will believe if I ever need another emotion alleviated. Not guilt, but grief, for example. "He is in heaven." Goodbye, grief. Hello, delusion. 

Thought, or better put, ourself, comes from our brain. I can see the brain. It does not come from a soul; I cannot even see a soul. When one dies, the brain, which produces us, ceases activity. The soul is still nowhere to be seen. Why is it so hard to believe, then, that death is the end of it all? The brain ceases functioning, we cease existing. I see no soul being carried off to heaven; I see only the end of self. Thus it is delusional and false to believe in such a thing, that cannot be proved by any means possible!

Good night.