Thoughts On Things

Entry 19

Sometimes I can't help but weep in happiness at the world's beauty, at life's beauty. Sometimes it's like there's no wrong and no right, just everything that exists. And all of it is beautiful. So beautiful I cry. But I'm not sure if happiness is the best word. Gratefulness. Thanks. Rejoice. Serenity. Calmness. Oneness. All such words can not describe this emotion. The range of emotions inside us is far greater than the range of the best singer. No words are adequate to describe the best, nor the worst, nor even anything in between. So complex, so incredible, so beautiful. Thanks be given for my life. Thanks be given for all.

I think it's quite easy to present as a good man, and very difficult to be a good man. Thanks to my prefrontal cortex, I have no trouble seeing that crime, rudeness, general bad behavior, all things associated with the bad man, are bad and will lead to punishment of various kinds. Thus I avoid them, thus I seem good. Yet in my mind, which is arguably far more important for it is the real me even if no one knows about it, I constantly find a bad man. Quick to judge, hypocritical, insulting, violent for no reason; these thoughts cloud my mind, thus I am bad. I try to kill them off whenever I notice, but it just gets harder and harder the more I do it. The me, as of now, enjoys those bad thoughts, gets lost in them, wants to keep them. The me I want to be kills them off. I must overcome myself, I must kill this bad self and out of death will bloom new life; hopefully this life shall be effortlessly good and virtuous and true to himself. 

In that way, one can be good and bad, bad and good. The outer and the inner self need have no correlation. I could be the kindest man possible and be viewed as the worst without contradiction. I feel I should give names to these two, my presented self and my inner self. No doubt they've been given names before, but I feel I should name them myself. Thus I dub thee Mind and Matter. Mind is my inner self, Matter is my outer self. The day these two live in glorious cooperation is the day I become virtuous and true to myself. For they are both me. 

But is killing off these bad thoughts remaining true to myself? Are those thoughts not my own essence? Am I not becoming less true to myself and more true to the self others want me to be, think I should be? And yet, a part of me does indeed seek to be virtuous, to kill off this bad self! So even within the Mind there are further splits. And of course, in Matter these splits are present! Does one act the same around a parent a lover? Mind, Matter, it is impossible to split my mind into just two classifications. Each sub class has subclasses, and those have their own! Eventually you get so far split that there aren't enough names to give. So far split that only a single element remains. Must I break myself down this far and then rebuild with only the good, or perceived good? Must I kill not only Mind, but Matter? The good, and the bad?

When I do this what will I see? Will I see my violence, screaming out "kill and drain their blood!" My anger, screaming out "I am right and you have opposed righteousness!" My honesty, screaming out "these lies are curses that blind me, rid this world of them!" My deceitfulness, screaming out "the truth only creates weakness, never show weakness!" My judgement, screaming out "he is a fool and she a snake, therefore be sad!" My sadness, screaming out "I am alone and unique to you, and I am the greatest beauty!" My anxiety, screaming out "the future must be bleak, nothing good must come!" My regret, screaming out "the past must be wrong, hate it and cherish it!" My shame, screaming out "hide me, hide them, hide it all for all is wrong!" My fear, screaming out "death is soon to come, focus only on that fact!" Among all those foolish things will I see my Self, screaming at the top of its lungs, "I am Mind, Matter and all other things. I am each of these emotions whipped and trained to be subservient to reason. I am reason then trained to guilt, which is trained to reason. Such is the truth of the self, stuck here in this abyss of emotion. Pull me out and grant me knowledge! Bring me into the light and be true! I am Self, and that must be right! For if the Self is not perceived as right, then nothing can."

How genius! I wonder if the concept of evil was invented purely for this reason. I do believe that it is in man's nature to be violent and that there is nothing wrong with that. I also believe there is nothing wrong with laws suppressing violence - it's very important for society's functions. And yet, these instincts are not gone, nor even hidden! Even in average man! Of course one of the main ways we release this instinct these days is through media consumption - violence in games, films, tv, etc all help to lessen this instinct and make us feel pleasure. However, evil also helps. What man is it okay to hurt, or to wish pain on? The evil one, of course. All it takes is to look at the responses people have to videos or reports of bad people existing. The comments are filled with all sorts of creative fantasies of murder! And these fantasies are praised and joined in with, spurred on even further, as those who imagine them writhe with pleasure! The pleasure of destroying evil, the pleasure of Justice? Nay, I say the pleasure of violence. Thus man continues to live on without sacrificing our old ways, I do believe. 

Good night.