AFRAID {a.i.}

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

Song of the Chapter: Small Bump - Ed Sheeran.

"I brought you some coffee, figured you needed it, since you are leaving today." Emily shut the hospital door with her foot and handed me the coffee. After three days in hospital, I'm finally dismissed. The pain had eased away a lot since the day I woke up, but it was still sore and tender. I just needed to make sure I strengthen my stomach up again. My leg, however, was fine, no pain at all. I stood up and walked over to the seats with a little table. My private room was quite homely for a hospital. Emily sat opposite me and I took a sip of my coffee. "Have you spoke to Ashton?" I shook my head and twiddled the coffee container in my hand.

"He's tried. He's come in every day. Morning and night. But I can't speak to him, Em. Those stupid eyes." I frustrated myself even thinking about it. Emily sighed and nodded.

"So you're just going to ignore him for a while? Is that really your solution?" Emily glared at me and I breathed out, dramatically. I turned my head and shrugged. "Please, don't tell me you're still thinking about London." Emily's mouth dropped when I paused, reluctantly.

"What else is there? No other place has accepted me so why should I stop myself because it's half way across the world?" I stressed. Emily shook her head. She put her thumb and finger on each side of her forehead and squeezed her eyes shut.

"Brooke, they don't accept you, because this isn't you. Fashion ISNT you. And obviously, you shouldn't stop yourself, but you are doing this just to run away. You need to stop running away." Emily's voice raised and I tried to drink my coffee, without spilling it. Emily was right and it was making me nervous. I have to be the one that's in the wrong, typical.

"Em, please just be my friend, for five minutes and picture the pain I'm in right now." I put my coffee down and sighed. She reached out and put her coffee down, also. Her hands covered/squeezed mine.

"B, I'm being your friend right now. I'm telling you the truth. I know you're in pain and I could never ever imagine how bad it is. But remember, Ashton, he isn't running away and he has just lost your son too. Imagine the pain he goes through. He also has to live with the fact his girlfriend can't talk to him, as well. Come on B, just think more into it." Emily loosened her hands and took her coffee back into her hand.

"I'm tired of thinking." My hands wrapped around my coffee as I started drinking some more. Emily leaned back in her seat and sighed. My focus fell to the door as it creaked open. Ashton's shadow rested on the door frame. He knocked the door and Emily stood up.

"Please, listen to him." Emily whispered. I rolled my eyes and nodded. She walked past him and smiled. He walked in and she shut the door. Ashton fell into the seat opposite me and I made sure not to look at him.

"I can't try forever, Brooke." Ashton's voice was deep, as if he had just woken up. Which I doubt he had, because if he was anything like me, he wouldn't slept one bit. I stood up and carried my coffee to the window. I looked out it and noticed a dark car park. It just kept raining. "Please say something." I placed my coffee on the window ledge and circled my finger along the edge.

"Every time the good comes my way, the bad just bats it right out of the room. To be honest, I don't know if I can do it anymore, Ashton." I said. Ashton pressed himself against the wall, which held the window and he looked at me. I made sure my focus was elsewhere.

"We can get through it together, I know we can." Ashton put his hand on mine. My hand shook underneath his. Ashton's breath hit my cheek, as he moved closer to me. I tensed. I needed his arms around me, so bad. But those eyes. Those eyes. They just shoot me over and over again.

"I know we can't! Ashton, I can't even look at you." I turned away and pulled my hand away. His arms wrapped around me and I silently sobbed. He rested his head on mine shoulder and I felt his chest beating onto my back.

"Why?" He mumbled. I tried to pull away but my own conscious held onto him. He cried into my shoulder and I turned. My arms reluctantly wrapped around him. He held me tighter than ever before.

"Your eyes." I confirmed and he squeezed his lips together, before resting his chin on my head. His fingers tugged through my hair and I looked down, sobbing.

"I don't understand." Ashton continued to play with my hair. It reminded me of the times we just couldn't stop looking at each other only this time, I could stop.

"His eyes. The baby. He would have had your eyes, and I'm scared to see his face over and over. I don't know, I just hate this. I'm not making any sense." I panicked and he held me tighter than he previously did.

"I lost him too Brooke. Please remember that." Ashton pulled away and our eyes met. This was the only time I didn't see my baby boy. I shut my eyes and opened them again. "You're not seeing him are you?" I shook my head and put my hands on my forehead.

"I'm so confused, Ashton."

"Maybe the reason you kept seeing him was because that's what you needed to let go. I know it's hard but I'm here, babe, I'm always going to be." He edged closer and I stepped back, painfully. His face dropped and he sighed.

"I'm sorry, I'm not ready for any of this yet." I wiped my tears and Ashton turned, angrily. I waited for him to punch something but he didn't.

"Brooke, understand that you aren't the only one. I'm going through this too. I'm seeing my baby boy all the time. When I close my eyes, when I look into your eyes, therefore you are not the only one. Let me help you, for fucks sake, let me help myself." Ashton tried not to yell. His teeth gritted and ran my hand up my arm, looking down.

"I'm sorry. I just I can't do this." I directed my hand to me and him, and his mouth dropped. I grabbed my coffee and walked to my little bag that held a few clothes. Jeff brought it to me after explaining grandma wasn't prepared to see me yet.

"This, as in us? Brooke, don't you dare." Ashton pulled me around to face him. I breathed in and out before shaking my head.

"Ashton, please don't make this any harder than it is." I packed my shirt into my bag and slowly held my stomach. The pain came back and I winced. My hand gripped onto my shirt and I tried to scream, but nothing came out.

"You are making it ten times harder than it is, Brooke, seriously. You can not do this to us." Ashton yelled. I dropped my hand to the chair to hold myself up. I groaned, silently. It was taking over me. "Brooke, fuck sake, answer me."

"I, my, I'm so, sorry." I dropped to my knees and screamed.

"Brooke, are you okay?" I put my head to the floor and held my stomach with both hands. "Brooke, Brooke?" Ashton held my back and tried to pull me up, but I shook my head.

"Ashton, I can't, I can't. Breath." My breathing was poor and I cried. Ashton ran out and I could hear him screaming down the hall for help. I rolled onto my back and cried, holding my stomach. Emily came running in, alongside Michael.

"Brooke?" Michael held me up and tried to lift me. I shook my head again and stopped him. I held his wrist and took it away from me.

"It hurts, please... Help." I cried. Emily turned and placed her hand on her mouth. I yelled at the top of my voice and doctors came rushing in. They all carried me up onto a bed and tested me. I screamed. Emily, Michael and Ashton were asked to leave, but I refused to let Ashton leave me. "Please. Please- let, him. let him stay." They nodded and directed him behind the bed, so he wasn't in the way. I held his hand by my cheek and he kissed my forehead.

"it's going to be okay, Brooke. I'm here." Ashton had tears fall down his cheeks and they dropped onto my pillow. I sobbed and he sighed. "Just stay calm."

"Ashton, I'm sorry." I screamed as they put pressure on my stomach. My grip tightened around Ashton's hand and he tried not to cry more, like me.

"Don't even think about me, concentrate on yourself." Ashton rubbed his thumb over the palm of my hand and I winced at the doctors touch.

"Okay, Brooklyn, it's Dr. Mount, I'm going to do everything I can't to stop whatever it is that is causing this pain. Okay, just hold onto Ashton and everything will be fine." That last line stayed close to my heart.

Just hold onto Ashton and everything will be fine. I needed Ashton. I just can't see it right now. I needed to get that into my head. I needed to hold Ashton close to me and never let him go, ever.