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" I wake in the night,
I pace like a ghost,
The room is on fire,
Invisible smoke,
And all of my heroes died all alone,
Help me hold onto you "
―I PACE BACK and forth, clutching my head in my hands as Nikolai attempts to calm me down from his seat in a nice, regal little chair placed in the room I've been granted. The world tilts and I think I'm going to be sick every time I think of spending any remote amount of time with Vasily.
"Yi, please, it's going to be―"
"Okay?" I snap miserably. "It's going to be okay? I'm about to marry that worthless, idiotic podge, Nikolai! Saints know that he's. . ." I shudder. "I don't even want to think about it. What am I supposed to do?"
Nikolai releases a heavy sigh. "I'm not particularly pleased with the change of plans, but if my father believes that it's the best decision politically, then there must be something he knows that we don't. Have you heard any news from Shu Han about the matter yet?"
"No! It's literally been five minutes, Nikolai!" I release a long, hopeless groan, flopping down into a seat. "I can't believe I'm going to spend the rest of my life with Vasily. Vasily!" I close my eyes and tilt my head back mournfully. "May as well just hang me now."
"Don't say that," Nikolai murmurs. "It isn't that bad." I glare at him. "Okay, it is that bad," he concedes as he gets to his feet and brushes a piece of lint from his shoulder.
"I can't serve in the Second Army," I say quietly, the situation sinking in like a searing tattoo. "I have to stay in the palace. And you. . . you'll go with Alina, won't you? You're leaving."
He runs a hand through his hair, ruining what must be hours of work from the servants in the Little Palace. "I don't know. Not in the near future, at least. But. . . have you heard of queen consort?"
I hesitate and glance at him, studying his perfect face. "Nikolai. . . you don't understand. I can't― I won't be your consort. It isn't just you. I would be throwing away everything. My status, all the years I've suffered to earn the respect of the Grisha."
"Yi, I can fix this. You only need to give me time, and. . ."
"And what, Nikolai?" I search his eyes. "Do you want me to stay in the palace forever as a pretty queen to be marveled by separate countries? To never have a say in court and to have to respond to Vasily's beck and call? If I was your consort, why would it be any better? You'll be at sea half the time."
