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" Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you, but I don't know how,
I've never heard silence quite this loud "
//
" I should have asked you how to be,
Asked you to write it down for me,
Should have kept every grocery store receipt,
'Cause every scrap of you would be taken from me "
―"NIKOLAI," I WHISPER in an exaggerated tone as we sit together in his chambers, the extravagance of the Grand Palace still not lost to me.
He looks over at me, resting against the headboard. "Yes?" His voice matches mine, drawing a smile from me.
I study him for a long moment, taking in every one of his features so perfectly paired together to create the most beautiful human I've ever seen.
I smile sleepily. "You're pretty."
He grins. "Oh?"
"Yeah."
He leans in closer, one hand resting on my bare waist as he reels me in. My skin feels blazing hot and frigid at his touch. As our lips meet, he murmurs, "You're pretty too."
I break away and laugh, resting my head on his chest for a few moments. "I love you."
His hand cups my cheek. "I love you too."
My eyes slowly blink open and I roll over in my bunk, pulling the fluffy blanket up to my chin. My body heat is lost to me and I eventually give up on trying to fall back asleep and slide out of bed. After taking a small nap, I feel better, but my mind has already begun to buzz with a thousand thoughts again after my dream, and my skin is still flush. Waking up after remembering something special I used to have with Nikolai and realizing that I'll probably never have that again practically sums up the frustration of trying to tie a knot with a rope that's far too short.
I roll out my shoulders and begin wrapping my silks over my body, using it as a distraction for my hands.
Yet another thing I learned from Nikolai.
I release a frustrated yell and throw the red silk onto my bed, running my hands through my hair.
Don't think about it.
As if in retaliation, Nikolai's name comes to mind like a sick mantra that would be chanted by some kind of cult. I punch my bed post.
