Warrior Nun: The aftermath

Chapter 32

"How much longer?" Ava nagged.

"As long as we need," Beatrice replied, clutching the steering wheel even harder until her knuckles turned white.

As grown up and mature as Ava had become, sometimes she still behaved like a child. Beatrice didn't think this was bad at all. It was a site that contributed significantly to her falling in love with Ava.

"Do you have any idea what you want to say to her?" Beatrice asked, breaking the silence.

"No," Ava replied, bored. "I told her a little bit the last time we met and she offered her help. She even wanted to help with u..."

Just like that, Ava interrupted herself and just stared straight out, a little startled. Obviously, there was something she was not allowed to experience again. Just in defiance, Beatrice asked.

"Even with what Ava?"

"Not so important," she says curtly.

"It always is," whispered Beatrice, annoyed. 

"What Bea? What is it always?"

"Not important. Details too complicated or unimportant to tell me."

"That's not true," Ava protested, visibly indignant.

"Oh no?" asked Beatrice.

"No!" she shouted emphatically. "And if you really want to know, it was about us. I talked to her about you and me." 

Without even paying attention to the traffic, Beatrice hit the brakes and stopped in the middle of the road. Unable to say anything, she saw Ava's equally shocked face. However, not from her own words, but from Bea's maneuver. 

"Fuck Bea! You can't just stop like this without any warning!" Ava rumbled when the shock was over.

"You were talking to a stranger about us?"

"Um... yes? What should I have done? Just because you don't talk doesn't mean I have too." 

For a moment, Beatrice forgot what she wanted to say. Even though she knew Ava wasn't right, she thought about it for a moment. Did she eat everything into herself and not confide in anyone? No. She had spoken with Camila and Mother Superior. 

"That's not true: I've talked about us to others, but no stranger."

"Beatrice, what's the difference? The time was not easy for either of us and at some point I had to talk to someone. If it couldn't be you and the others, it had to be someone else."

Anger boiled up in her. Although Bea knew it wasn't entirely up to this topic of conversation. To avoid an argument, she took a minute and took a deep breath. Beatrice had to calm down before she said anything she regretted again.

"And what exactly were you talking about?" she finally asked. 

"Only that we never had the chance to really tell each other how we felt about each other and we weren't allowed to see each other. In general, how shitty I felt in the situation and how much I missed you." Ava's voice became unstable at the end and she looked out the window. Presumably to protect herself from Beatrice's reaction to it.

"Wow. I don't know what to say right now." 

And think. It probably wasn't the first time Beatrice had learned how hard it must have been for Ava on the other side. But now, for the first time, she realized how much it must have weighed on her.

"I had to tell someone. Pronounce it out loud. Otherwise, I would have burst at some point and committed another stupidity," Ava said, lowering her gaze to her hands in her lap. 

Carefully, Beatrice released her grip on the steering wheel and took Ava's hands in hers. She looked up at her with moist eyes.

"In the end, the whole rocky road brought us together, didn't it? And if she was there for you and helped you, I owe her thanks and no reproaches to you."

Enjoying the moment, they just looked at each other happily.

"Come here," Ava sobbed, pulling Beatrice closer by her hands until they met for a kiss. When they broke up, Ava opened her mouth again. "I'm not going to let you go anytime soon. No matter how moody you can be sometimes." 

Playfully, Bea raised an eyebrow. "I'm moody? If anyone here is moody, it's both of us."

Ava nudged her in the side before Beatrice drove on again.

"Don't you actually have anyone you want to go to?"

"No," she replied to Ava as dryly as she could.

"Seems like I've hit a nerve."

Found, hit and irritated. For so long, she had no contact with the people, before her time in the monastery and the OCS. It wasn't like she wanted to, either. The time back then was anything but beautiful. Pain, tears, disappointment, guilt and suffering had been her constant companions. Through the OCS it got better and she became more and more herself. But it wasn't until Ava that she had completely stopped hiding and pretending. Beatrice wouldn't risk the feeling of freedom and happiness just to see people from her past.

"I'm sorry Ava, but I don't want to have anything to do with anyone before my time at OCS. They took too much from me and hurt me too often."

As much as Beatrice tried to fight it, she couldn't hold back a few tears.  As this time, nothing escaped Ava. She gently brushed her tear from her cheek and then held her by the arm.

"I'm so sorry Bea. I didn't want to open up old wounds."

Beatrice soaked up all the warmth from Ava's hand and only focused on how beautiful it was in the here and now. Anything but easy to leave the past behind when she has been caught up with it again and again.

"It's all right. I'm just still struggling with it. That's how long I've been wanting to finish it. But I can't do it and I just keep hurting myself with it."

Ava's grip on her forearm grew stronger and tighter.

"You know that I will always be there for you and stand by you. If you want my help to fight your demons of the past, you will get them at any time."

That's how much Beatrice interpreted these words. Not only because Ava said it, but because she knew that Ava really and honestly meant it.
In fact, that day-X would come sooner than Beatrice had always thought.

"Thank you," she replied with a smile before she returned her pocus back to the road.