Like You Mean It

13. Hayden

I couldn't stop thinking about Cam. Every time I practiced or went to class or walked or woke up, I could only think about Cam. It was ridiculous. I was like some middle school boy thinking about his crush. I couldn't afford to think about him, not like that.

I had to practice and get better. I couldn't afford to think about a guy that would never really like me back, it would be a waste of time. This stupid fake relationship only needed to last until regionals and then I could clean my hands of it. I wouldn't have to deal with the headaches and heartaches that it brought.

I wouldn't have to deal with Cam.

That sounded harsh.

It wasn't like I didn't want to be with Cam. All I could think about was how amazing it would be to be in a real relationship with him. How happy I would be. How happy we could both be. But that wouldn't happen. Cam is Cam, he's out of my league and focused on anything but a relationship. He's a walking prodigy and natural leader. He was the natural pick in any situation. For first chair, solos, leadership, everything. He was perfect.

I was just the last resort for drum captain because Logan was made drum major after Hannah had to move to Arizona a week before band camp. I was never the first choice or the first chair or the first anything. I certainly wouldn't be Cam's first choice. If he had to choose between me and winning, we both know what he'd choose. And if I was given the same choice...

I'd probably choose the same thing.

Not because I want to, but because I know what he would choose. I didn't want to be another second choice. I couldn't even be a stupid first choice for the guy I was dating. No, fake dating. He's made it abundantly clear that it's fake.

And so have I.

At least...I will now.

My feelings for him would just have to take a backseat. For good probably.

I couldn't stop thinking about Cam all day Monday. Or Tuesday. Or Wednesday. Or any day of the stupid week. So, I spent every day until at least 9 pm rehearsing my parts until my calluses tore and bled. No one was there to patch me up. No miracle phone calls resulted in Cam walking in the door.

So, I just practiced. All week. I scheduled two extra sectionals and stayed well past them. I just had to be ready. I couldn't lose to him again. I couldn't stand letting him win.

He was already breaking my heart. He couldn't break my season too.

"Hayden?" Someone asked from behind me.

Cam?

I turned around to see Jace behind me. Of course it was Jace. Cam wouldn't be here. He wouldn't have any reason to keep trying to contact me. He wanted to win and I would just drag him down. He wouldn't want me. He wouldn't try to find me.

Jace was standing in the doorframe of the band room. He had his track bag slung over his shoulder and looked like he was sweaty in his uniform. He had a meet today, that would be why he's here at 9:30 pm. He was probably grabbing his French horn to practice for concert band, like a good student.

"Hey Jace, how was your meet?" I asked him.

"Dude, what are you still doing here? It's 9:30, we have to be back here at 6 tomorrow." He asked.

"I had to practice," I answered.

"You've been here practicing all week. Lemme give you a ride home." He offered.

"It's ok, Jace. I really need to practice." I turned back to the quads.

There was a hand on my shoulder, "If you really need to practice, which I doubt you do, you can do it tomorrow on the bus. Right now, you need to go home and sleep. That's not a request, you're doing it, or I'll tell Jonesy you're not marching."

I flipped around to protest, but he had a serious look on his face. He wasn't playing around. I begrudgingly put away my drum and got into his car.

"Are you and Cam doing ok?" He asked, "He hasn't been around much this week."

"We've both been busy with sectionals and rehearsing." I lied.

I had been avoiding him all week. I had been thinking about him ever since Sunday. The way he came downstairs, his hair ruffled by sleep and wrapped an arm around my waist, leaning his head into my shoulder. Acting like it was real, trying to trick me into falling for him or something.

But I didn't answer any of his texts or calls or messages this week. And after a day and a half of me ignoring him, he just stopped reaching out and I sent him that stupid text.

i'm sorry, i just can't do this anymore.

It was the coward's way out, but it was fine. He was probably busy rehearsing, but I didn't want to know if he was or not. I wanted to cut all contact to a minimum so it would hurt less when he dumped me after regionals. Because he was going to dump me after regionals, no matter how much I tried to ignore that fact. It was a fact.

Cam would dump me after regionals. And I would let him go without protest because I couldn't justify being happy over winning. Not when he couldn't either. Not when he wouldn't. He wouldn't pick us being together over winning. He wanted to live up to his last name even though he didn't need to. He didn't need to do anything to live up to the legacy he had made for himself. Valley could lose and he would still be the golden boy of percussion. But he would still pick winning over anything else because that's just who he was.

–

I couldn't sleep.

My alarm clock showed the time in a harsh red, 2:47AM.

I had to be at school in three hours, which meant I had maybe two hours to take a nap. But I couldn't get myself to sleep. I haven't been able to sleep since Saturday. It was Cam's fault, I wasn't sure, but it had to be Cam's fault.

Stupid Cam. I couldn't sleep or eat or drink or breathe without thinking about him. And how he was breaking my stupid heart. I needed to end this before regionals. This was his plan, it had to be.

He and Tom were scheming for me to fall for him so I would screw up at competitions and lose and place horribly at regionals. It was his plan all along. This wasn't symbiotic, it was only beneficial to him. He was getting information and breaking my heart at the same time. Right?

Right. He wouldn't actually want me. Why would he? He was a work of art, the golden boy of percussion, a Miller. He was a Miller. He was expected to be a leader, an example. He wasn't supposed to be with someone like me.

Stupid Cam.

I had to end this before he did. Before things got worse. Before he asked me what was happening because of course he would ask me because he's Cam. I had to stop this before I fell harder.