Like You Mean It

4. Cam

"Ok, we're going to dip before this becomes even more depressing." Nick stood up, "Jane, Tom, you ready?" Jane nodded.

"Yeah, I cannot be anywhere near Jace Weston right now." He stood up, "Do you know when you'll be home?"

"I'm not sure, I'll let you know if we end up going somewhere after the game." I looked up at him.

"You have condoms, right?" He asked softly.

"Good night, Thomas." I groaned, my face flushing.

They all walked away, leaving me alone in the stands with my thoughts. Which really wasn't a good thing because I was freaking the fuck out.

We're going to lose. I can't light a candle to Hayden's performance. He was so crisp and clean. I was a mess last week, a mess at rehearsals, I could barely make it through a 16-bar solo let alone the full show. I couldn't be anything like him. And he's so ridiculously good. Every time he's always been so much better than me. He'd always been so much better than me even though scores never truly reflected it. He deserved to be the first chair every single time we went head-to-head.

And now everyone is expecting something from both of us. For us to be some band power couple like Logan and Kay are. Now even Tom is starting to believe that there's some truth to it. I'm lying to everyone and they're all going to hate me even more when they figure it out. Not only would I be a disappointing excuse for a drum captain, but I'd also be a big fat liar who covered for the enemy for no good reason. No good reason.

There was no good reason to lie for Hayden. There was no good reason for me to be a drum captain. No good reason for me to have made it this far. No good reason for me to be a soloist for Valley. No good reason for me to have been a soloist for the Kings. No good reason, no good reason, no-

It's so loud here. Why is it so fucking loud? Why can't I fucking breathe? Why can't everyone shut the fuck up?!

A hand on my shoulder drew me from my thoughts with a jump, "Are you ok?" Hayden asked, he looked worried.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." I quickly nodded, rubbing my face with my hands to try to look less like I was on the verge of tears.

"C'mon." He gestured for me to get up.

He led me to Lovell's band room, then sat me down in the drumline closet, and handed me a bottle of water, "Drink it. Take some slow, deep breaths."

I did.

"Better?" He asked.

"Yeah, thanks." I nodded, "Sorry I was just a little overwhelmed and stressed. Your performance was great though."

"Were you worrying about that?" He asked with a smirk.

"A little bit?" I shrugged, "And then I kept thinking about how underprepared we are for next week. And how I can't even get through my solo, let alone any of the songs without screwing something up. And then how a lot of people would be angry at me if they found out the truth about us, even my brother is starting to believe it which is absolutely insane, and I just can't imagine what'll be like when we actually fake break up. And I'd just be even worse in everyone's eyes because I'm already a disappointment and a poor excuse for a drum captain because I'm going to screw everything up on Saturday. And I just stopped being able to breathe or even think properly."

Hayden looked at me like he cared, "Do you have panic attacks a lot?"

"Sometimes. They're more frequent when I'm tired or if I haven't eaten enough or if my blood sugar is out of whack or if I'm just stressed because it was a long day. I think today is just a combination of all of those," I explained.