Like You Mean It

14. Cam

Hayden hadn't said anything since his text on Wednesday. I did something wrong, I must've. I scared him off with my...everything. God, I couldn't even get a fake relationship right.

It had been a long week. I couldn't sleep, I'd toss and turn without being able to get a wink. I couldn't do anything without thinking about Hayden. Which was so stupid! I shouldn't like him. We're sworn enemies, we have been since sixth grade.

But one dumb choice by me and suddenly I'm in love with the guy!

Except, I had probably loved him for years at this point just looking back on our interactions in the past five years. So, I guess one dumb choice and I suddenly realize the fact that I'm in love with my enemy.

Love is a strong word.

Too strong for something fake, for him. Too real for something that is supposed to be fake for me. Too soon for something that doesn't, and will never, exist because it can't ever really exist because why would someone like him want to be anywhere around me? He was so good. So kind and funny and perfect and way too good for me.

But...I couldn't think about this right now.

I had barely slept when Tom banged on my door about the shower being open and me needing to get up. The shower didn't wake me up. Neither did Gabby and Reese bickering in the car. Or the energy drink that I didn't tell Mom or Tom about and chugged on the way to school. Or the kids drumming already on any available surface even though it was 5:50 in the morning.

I couldn't sleep on the bus and not even Dylan and Owen's overly impassioned debates about the true merit of classical pop in a concert band setting could wake me up. I just laid across my seat, staring at the ceiling with my earbuds in. Thinking about, shocker, Hayden. Hayden who hadn't answered my texts or calls or messages in a week. Who had gone no contact. Who had hugged me tight and reassured me before completely cutting me off and leaving me with no explanation and a weak fucking good-bye.

im sorry, i can't do this anymore.

Was this just a game to him? To draw me in, get me hooked, and then cut me off to screw with the competition? Was this some sick game for him? Was that all it was for him? Did it even mean anything to him? Why did he act like it meant something? I thought he had meant it. I thought the kissing me with no one watching, holding me close, making breakfast, letting me sleepover. I thought that was all him saying 'I mean it.'

I guess I was wrong.

By the time we got to Manchester, it was 7am and the lot we were parked in was alive with other bands. One of those bands being Lovell. They were parked right next to us and were also just unloading.

So, I put on my big boy pants and helped drumline unload instead of talking to my fake boyfriend. I handed down snares, quads, sousas, bass drums, cymbals, and a triangle for some reason. How the triangle didn't end up with the pit truck would confuse me, but it wasn't my issue that was Mal's issue because she was the lead pit player. Pit was her problem, not mine...most of the time.

I hopped out the back of the bus and noticed that Hayden had conveniently also just finished unloading and hopped out of his bus. He saw me. And then he walked away. He didn't even smile. Or acknowledge me. Or even pretend like he noticed me.

He just left me standing alone in a parking lot as the rest of my band was already halfway to the practice field. He really didn't care. This really was just a fake thing to him.

How could I have been so fucking stupid?

--

We were slotted third, which meant as the national anthem was playing, we were warming up. Our tentative time slot was 10 and we were rehearsing starting at 8 am on the dot.

We left the field right behind the band before us because it was going to take a hot second to get everyone into formation. The second the band in front of us started marching around the track, we took the corner with Tom raising his hand above his head. He was acting as the 50-yard line, and we got into a condensed version of our first set in relation to him.

It took about five minutes before everyone was close enough to our dots, by then the band before us was finishing their second song. We waited until they marched off to begin marching around the track. Lovell was on after us and started to line up as our pit crew was bringing on our props and equipment.

It took like five minutes for everything to be set up and another five before the staff member by us gave us the all-clear to march on. And so, Tom led us on, and Nick tapped off a steady beat.

It was tense as the announcer introduced us and even worse as we waited for the judges to give their all clear. All I could think about was how Hayden was on the corner of the track right now, looking on. He was about to watch me fumble through the show and probably puke my guts out on the sidelines after my solo.

All because of him.

Tom was nearly done with his salute by the time I came back to earth. It was like I was moving in slow motion. I wasn't sure what was happening, but it wasn't anything good.

Tom faced us again. Him, Jane, and Abbie had their hands in the conducting position. They were all ready with their game faces on. I wasn't ready. I was a fucking mess on shaking legs with a drum being held together by...I didn't even know what. They counted us in.

And I marched the worst show I had ever marched. I fumbled through my solo. I missed my dot so many times. I was out of it. I was horrible. I had marched from muscle memory and my everything was sloppy. I let stupid fucking Hayden get in my head and ruin my performance.

My mind was racing and spiraling and my heart my racing. Sweat stuck my unifiorm to my body. I was choking. I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn't do this anymore.

"Cam, lie down!" Tom shouted.

I leaned over the trash can in the parking lot and lost my breakfast. I heard Nick groan and shout, "Goose, get him a water!"

Someone's hand was on my back, Nick, "Hey man. Yeah let's take some deep breaths."

Tears were burning as they built up. I tried to choke down tears as some slipped out. It was starting to get quieter around us until it was just me and Nick. They held a cool water bottle to my neck.

"Ok, hey. Hey. Talk to me." They softly begged.

"Hayden and I have been lying." I started, "Since the start. We've never been together."

"I know." They nodded.

"I think I lost him." I sobbed.

"How?" They asked.

"I was too much. I told him about Jackson and my heart and he knows I'm weak now. I'm disgusting. He didn't know I was trans." The words were stumbling out of my mouth.

"Hey. Hey." Nick's voice was soft, "I know. I know."

They wrapped their arms around me, holding me in place. But it didn't feel as comforting as Hayden's arms. God I was such a freaking mess.