Like You Mean It

18. Cam

Everyone knew when I walked into the band room during 3rd period. They all looked at me as if I was deserving of pity, as if I was going through something horrible, as if they were sad that Hayden and I broke up.

They should've been happy. I stopped dating the Lovell kid, the enemy. I did what they wanted me to do a month ago, so why were they all looking at me like they were sad about it? Why did they all look at me as though they wanted me and Hayden to stay together? He was from our rival school, they should've wanted us to stay a million feet apart from each other like we had every other year except for this one.

I ignored the stares and headed straight for the marimba to warm-up.

"Cam, are you ok?" Nick asked from next to me, they never picked the marimba for warm-ups. Why were they now?

"I'm perfectly fine," I answered.

"But-" I cut them off.

"I'm fine," I insisted.

They glared, "You've been ignoring everyone all weekend. You can't do this, dude. It's ok if you don't want to talk about him, but you don't get to shut down." They took a deep breath, "As your best friend, it's my job to be sad about it with you or to egg his house with you. So, ice cream or egg carton?"

I couldn't stop myself from letting out a slight laugh, they looked pleased, "Let me get back to you on that. I just need. I need some time to process it. Ok?"

"Ok." They nodded, "No shutting down." They flicked my forehead.

Nick always knew how to make me feel better, even if it was only for a minute.

"Ok guys, we're going to sight-read through a piece for our winter concert. We need to take a break from marching music and try something new for the day." Mack held up a stack of originals.

I headed up to get the percussion parts, "You alright, Cam?" Mack asked.

"I'm fine." I took the originals.

Everyone needed to stop fucking asking me if I'm fine or looking at me like I'm about to break. I was fine. I did the right thing. I did what they all needed me to do, even if they weren't acting like it right now. I did the right thing and I had to be fine.

I let everyone pick their parts. It was like the entire section had unanimously decided I should be on timpani. The piece had a timpani feature. I tried to get out of it but no one else wanted to touch it. It was a bit technically challenging, but it really wasn't that hard. Most of the upperclassmen could've done it easily.

They think you're weak. They're pitying you because of him. They know you're weak. They're just giving it to you because they feel bad. Because you're a Miller and they feel bad. They all feel bad because you're a pathetic, weak-

I let myself drown in the music and tune out everything else. It was nice to just ignore the world and the voice in my head for 30 minutes and play timpani. I liked the piece. It was fun. I liked not having to focus on anything else except for my playing and how it fit into the sound of the band like a perfect puzzle piece.

I was disappointed when the period ended. I put in my earbuds and let some classical music drown out the world.

"Cam are you-" I pushed past people, all of them trying to talk about Hayden.

"Guys, give him some space." Nick. Thank you.

I couldn't talk to anyone about it right now. Not during the competition season. Not when we had one coming up this Saturday. Not when thinking about him would make me break down into an inconsolable mess. I had to be fine right now.

They all wanted me to admit that I was sad, that I regretted it, that I wasn't ok. I couldn't be not ok. I had to be fine, I had to be fine so that we could go win without any guilt. So, we could win without distractions.

So, everyone else could be happy.

So, we could win again.