The Heaven's Wildcard

Prologue

I've always dreamt of clouds, a soft and safe place to dwell in.

I want to get drowned in the blue sky where no one has to save me because there will be no pain, no suffering, and no danger.

At midnight, I think about what peace feels like and why can I only rest but not live in it.

Dawns were about wondering what comes after death, not because I believe in the afterlife but because I claim there can't be two hells. And if mine is here, what awaits on the other side can be tempting.

But I still breathe. I wake up and continue to live, afraid of dying. Bakit nga ba?

Dahil wala pa akong napapatunayan? Dahil ayaw kong mamatay na talunan? O dahil umaasa pa rin ako . . . na sa gitna ng laro ng mundo, magkakaroon ako ng pagkakataong manalo? That amidst the losses I had in the past, I still strive to win while hoping for the heaven's wildcard?

But how possible is heaven? How possible is a wildcard?

"Mauve, ano ang tinatayo mo riyan?"

Napaigtad ako nang marinig ang boses ng isang katulong mula sa aking likuran. Nahuli niya akong pasilip-silip mula sa nakaawang na pintuan ng opisina ni Dad.

Hinarap ko siya at mabilis na itinago sa likuran ang isang card. Inilapat ko ang hintuturo sa labi, hiniling na hinaan niya ang boses dahil baka marinig kami ng ama na abala sa pagbabasa ng diyaryo.

She playfully covered her mouth and started whispering. "Bakit ka ba kasi nandito? Bakit hindi mo pasukin ang Daddy mo sa loob kung may pakay ka sa kaniya?"

I tightened my grip on the card and shook my head. "Ayaw ko na maistorbo siya. It looks like he's busy working on something."

Pinaningkitan niya ako ng mga mata bago humalukipkip. "Nakita ko ang card na hawak mo. Ano ba 'yan?"

I tucked my lips. There was no point in lying so I showed it to her. "It's an invitation."

"Bakit? Sino ang may birthday?" She took the card and probed it.

"May father and daughter event sa school, Yaya."

Nilisan ng mga mata niya ang card at dumako ang mga ito sa akin. Hindi ko pa man nahihingi ang opinyon niya ay napuna ko na ang pagdaan ng lungkot sa mga iyon.

"Gusto ko sanang sabihin kay Dad at tanungin kung wala siyang gagawin sa araw na 'yon. Sa tingin niyo, makakapunta siya?"

Tinga-tingala ko ang katulong na natulala sa akin. It seemed to me that she couldn't find a word to say so she just breathed a deep one and smiled. "Required daw ba 'to?"

I shrugged. "My classmates' fathers are coming so it's expected that we will all attend."

"Gusto mo ba si Kuya Oli na lang ang sumama sa 'yo?"

"But he's not my father."

Marahan na kinamot ng babae ang ulo. "Oo nga. . . p-pero kasi 'di ba, sabi mo nga . . ." Sumilip siya sandali sa opisina ni Daddy. "Mukhang busy ang Daddy mo. Baka hindi siya makapunta."

"That's why I'll ask him." I opened my palm, asking for the card back. "Maybe he can come. He came to Ingrid's event last time."

"Oo, pero kasi Mauve—"

"It's better to try than to conclude right away." Hindi nahawaan ng ngiti ko ang labi niya. She was hesitant to give the card back. If not forced, she could've kept it.

With the card back in my palm, I knocked on my father's open door. He looked at me . . . with the same eyes that he had for me for the last seven years.