The Heaven's Wildcard

Chapter 49

I've always dreamt of clouds, a soft and safe place to dwell in. I wanted to get drowned in the blue sky where no one had to save me because there would be no pain, no danger, and no suffering.

If heaven is a color, I would always think of white. But it's not white here. It's green and all the other colors. There are trees, flowers, and butterflies flying around.

It took me a little time to realize I was barefooted. And as I stepped forward, I expected the sharp grasses to wound me but they didn't. There was no single pain even at picking the thorny roses. And there's a song that's playing, sounding like it won't end. It feels like endings don't exist here.

I walked through the flower beds and touched some leaves as I passed them by. And there's a small lake, with a bridge in the middle to get me to the other side. It's more beautiful there, big rocks and water falling from above.

I smiled. This is exactly what a dream looks like. Peaceful, soft, glittering, beautiful. There's a woman at the bridge whose back is facing me.

"Excuse me." With a knotted forehead I called.

Gently, she looked my way.

It felt heaven, no . . . it's home. "Mom?"

She smiled at me. "Maurice."

In a blink, my tears fell. She looks beautiful and motherly. I felt the immediate need to hug her.

"Mom . . . You're here too."

"I've always been waiting here for you, sweetheart." She extended her arm as if asking me to join her at the bridge. "Come here. I'll keep you safe in my embrace."

All my life, I've wondered what a Mother's hug feels like. I want to feel her. She's just . . . ten steps away.

"Don't be afraid, Maurice," she tittered. "Mom is here."

I nodded. Still in tears, I took my first steps. Her image gets clearer and clearer as I get near. She would smile at the movement I was making, not rushing me, not telling me to slow down. She's just watching me approach her.

That made me feel even safer. Here, I'm not running after nor running away from something. Confident, I walked faster. But on my last step . . .

"Mommy?"

I heard Hiko from behind. When I looked at him, he was holding a favorite book. He's in pajamas, yawning.

"Mommy, I can't sleep, can you read me a book?" He's on the other side, barefooted too. There's a river that he needs to cross. Waves are tough, the flow is rigid.

"Maurice." Mom called me again, stealing my attention. "Come on, you have to join me here, sweetheart."

"But Hiko can't sleep, Mom. I think I'm gonna read him a book first."

"Hiko will follow you some other time."

"But he . . . He has little feet." I chuckled. "They can't cross the river. He might fall. He might drown, Mom"

"Hiko will go home, Maurice. It's not here yet."

Everything began to be confusing. Mom is convincing me to join her while Hiko is calling me repeatedly. I looked at my son and said, "Wait for Mommy, Hiko. I'll just join Nonna there." And so I turned my back, ready to cross the bridge when I heard Hiko's sobs.

"Mommy, I'm scared," he said, drawing circles around his eyes. "Mommy, I need you always."

My heart broke and amidst my mother's calls, I walked to Hiko. But then, just when I got near, he disappeared.