THE MASKED GIRL

37

Hafsat

Knowing that I wouldn't return until I finished my studies made me go to Adamawa for the last time, I needed to relive the memories that I would take with me for the six years that I would be away. My life just feels so foreign, it's like I was taken out of it and then put back in to continue from where I stopped but without a destination. People live and plan life like it's theirs and at times it doesn't go as planned because the life is not just theirs, it also belongs to their creator. But they make another plan and continue striving.

I know my life will not go exactly as I planned but my end goal has always been to get married to Suhail, being with him forever. But now that it will never happen I don't know what my destination is. I will go with my life like I always thought I would if I do not die and become a surgeon, fulfill my dreams, make sure Ummah gets a heart surgery, go to hajj with my parents again, and wait for Allah's guidance on how to continue living until it is my time to leave the world. I would love to see myself married and complete the half of my deen, have pious children that will pray for me after I die but I don't see myself falling in love again not to talk of marrying.

Worrying about the future will not take me anywhere and I know that but I just can't help it. Allah has already written what is for me and what isn't and Suhail is certainly not for me however accepting that breaks me.

I spent a week at Adamawa before I got back, If the parents that gave birth to him were able to get over him then why can I? Why I'm I the only one who is still holding on? Why can't I let him go? Is it because I feel guilty that I am among the reasons why he died? Or is it because we are never going to have our forever? Why did it have to be this way? I pray to have the heart to take it all in and move on but I have yet to, it is very hard to do. These thoughts keep me locked up in my room crying and crying until I cannot shed tears anymore. Each time I feel like I have gotten over it a tiny thing makes me feel the raw pain all over again.

Like walking passed his door, seeing things we planned to, a new season of Doctor Romantic that was suddenly released and actually living without him. These are the demons that I am fighting against every single day and I always lose the battle, I cannot wait for tomorrow to finally leave and get away from the things that haunt me. I can manage to fight my heart but I am not strong enough to continue living in the same place without him.

The house was so depressing and laying on Mommy's lap was only helping a little. I couldn't sleep in my room since I passed out from the army, I have been with Mommy. I am finding it difficult to live without Suhail, I cannot think of how I would be without either of my parents. May Allah keep them alive and healthy for me.

Sadeeq managed to get me out of my misery for a late evening walk. He had been trying to get me out of the house for a long time but I always refused, I agreed this time because I hadn't told him that I would be leaving so it was a goodbye kind of walk. He is someone who has been with me through my hardest times and helped me survive. I value him deeply.

We strolled around an open park talking like the old times, like we did during the therapy. He was the one doing most of the talking at first and I slowly joined him, my sadness going away for a moment. He narrated to me how he successfully drugged my victims and I started telling him about my life in the army. His mood changed when I told him about Aliyu, how he had helped me, followed me to my killing, how he brought food to me, and that I told him about me. "Why do you look annoyed?"

I asked him and stopped walking finding a place to sit on, my legs had started aching a little. "You let another man into your life" He sat next to me as he answered me.

"I am happy I did because I trust him and he will never hurt me" I thought he was looking out for me for allowing another person in my life after all I have been through but his reply shocked me.

"That is the problem Hafsat. I don't like sharing"

I gave him a questioning look because I didn't know what he meant with what he said. I am trying to not agree with what I think it is. "I don't get you"

He hummed and looked at me in the eyes. "I didn't plan to tell you now but I cannot stand it. I want to be the only one that listens and comforts you. I want to be your only safe person, your only comfort. I want to be the one that comforts and protects you, the only one you trust. I want to be your home, your comfort zone, and your husband. I want to marry you Hafsat"