Scar wars (Larry fanfic)

Harry

No, he didn't show up the next day, not even the day after it. So I continued to drink that tasteless coffee for a week and a half and I have to admit to myself that I miss him. Only for his good coffee.

Obviously. 

Niall and I finally found time to meet and talk, something we haven't done in so long. The night started good, we watched a movie and drank some wine but then Niall turned to me completely with a big smile on and I just knew what question was next.

"And? Any cute boys I should know about?" I giggle while drinking from my glass of wine and look at him. "I thought you would know by now that I don't need boys. I need men and those are too hard to find."

He squints his eyes giving me a side eye. "But did you find one? C'mon you're hundreds in that ginormous hospital, how come you find no man?" He let's his hands hit his knees in frustration and I laugh. "I don't want someone from the hospital, Ni. First of all it's unprofessional and second of all, everyone hates me."

His lips form a pout sighing because he knows I'm right but then his face lights up. "What about the cafe you always go to? No men there?" And without me knowing and definitely without my approval a smile appeared on my face, and my cheeks started getting red. 

What is happening?

Niall's eyes get bigger and his jawline drops, like literally and he just stares at me with a shocked face on. I clear my throat trying to regain my ability to not show my feelings and drink from my wine again. 

I'm screwed.

Niall hits the bed with his hands and says loud and clear "Spill! Now!" I look at him and bite my lips and he says again "Now!" I put my glass on the coffee table and say "Okay okay."

I cross my legs in front of me and look at him. "So the waiter…" and again without my want I'm smiling again. "His name is Louis and he's a really good waiter and he makes good coffee" I quickly say hoping that's enough for him but it's not because he frowns and makes a motion with his hand for me to elaborate. I sigh and close my eyes letting my head fall back on the couch. "Okay I might care about him… he's really beautiful, he has such great eyes and such a hot, breathtaking deep voice sometimes. His body is amazing and he plays so heartlessly. He played heartlessly." 

I whisper the last part more but he gets it and his face lights up. "What do you mean he played?" I start fidgeting and start explaining "He still plays heartlessly around people… just not around me." 

He jumps off the couch and raises his arms like he was watching football and his team just scored "HE HAS A SOFT SPOT FOR YOU!" He yells happily and I sigh because I can't do that. "C'mon Harry… it's a happy thing"

I stare at him and shake my head "Not for me, Niall" I look down and whisper one more time "Not for me."

He sits down next to me touching my leg making me look at him. "Life is fun. You can't be single forever. You're freaking beautiful and stunning and special and-"

"Broken." I cut him off and he sighs and argues with me "That's not true. Your past doesn't define you." 

I raise my eyebrows "Does it not? Really Niall? When did it ever let me enjoy life?" 

"Because you didn't let it go. Maybe taking your mind off things would help you." 

"I'm not gonna use the poor man to heal my broken wounds, I'm not that kind of person. You know I've always done it alone Ni. I'm not meant to be loved. To feel loved, I don't even think I'm meant to heal!" I raised my voice in frustration while I said the last part because I'm tired of trying to heal and I continue "No one should feel forced to heal some wounds they never made. And you know that's what I always thought. I'm not weak, I don't need someone to help me. I don't need help."

"But love?" He asks quietly and a tear falls on my cheek while I shake my head "I don't deserve it." I say and he looks at me with those blue sad eyes. 

"You do deserve love… why do you think you don't?" He asks and I shrug "It's not for me. Remember I tried really hard… I'm not meant for it. And if he really feels something for me, he feels something for the person I pretend to be. Not for who I really am… he can never feel something for that Harry."

"Harry, Jake didn't know how to appreciate you. He was a shit. He… an abusive shit, Harry not everyone's the same." I look at my hands, taking a deep breath and shaking my head. 

"Maybe that's what I deserve… and I can't take it again Niall… I won't survive if it'll happen again. I don't want to be put in the same situation I've been put in for years, I don't want you to ever cry at my grave, if it happens again, Niall I swear to God I won't have the power to lift myself up again. I have to put myself first and I have to protect my heart because it barely knows how to beat anymore."

"But you're not happy… I swear to God if you would've been happy I would've let you be but you're not happy. And you're not protecting your heart, you are hurting yourself." 

I look at him with tears in my eyes and shrug "I don't think I can heal… I… I don't think it ever gets better. And I can't do that to him. I'm too broken to be able to make someone happy, and he deserves someone to make him happy." 

Niall tilts his head "You make us happy…" and with that I break down into crying. I raise my hand to my mouth trying to stop myself but all I can do is sob, tears falling on my cheeks uncontrollably, my hands shaking, my heart hurting. And I hear Niall asking quietly and scared "are you not happy? Truly" I look up to the ceiling taking a deep breath and exhaling shakily. 

I look at him with my vision blurred because of the tears that refuse to stop and I tell him between the hiccups "I-I'm sorry but no. I-I'm nowhere near happiness." He looks at me for a couple of seconds and he hugs me really tight. 

I disappointed him.

I do my breathing exercise and calm down fast putting my strong face on. I break the hug and look at him smiling. "I'm fine. Sorry. I guess I'm just extra emotional today." I excuse myself and he looks at me. I made a mistake for telling him that. I look in his eyes smiling. "I'm fine. Don't worry. I'm not going anyway."

"Why did you not tell me?" He asks hurt and I smile again "Because I can handle it. I promise." He frowns slightly and asks again. "Since when do you keep handling it like this?" 

Forever.

I squeeze his arm "Not long. It's just a harder period of time. That's all. I'm good. Louis helped. A lot." I say giggling but he doesn't believe it. "Really Ni. I laughed with him as I never did. He's funny. And calming. And he makes me feel happy." 

This is true, all of it, he gives me a small smile I just know he'll say something. "Then why do you keep pushing the possibility of having him next to you? If he makes you happy, Harry, then he's the one" I smile and pout "Because he might be the one for me, but I'm definitely not the one for him. I don't want to hurt him, he doesn't deserve it."

He sighs and looks at his hands "it's your choice at the end of the day… I just want you to be happy Harry… and if that means hurting someone, I don't give a shit."

I giggle and shake my head "I do. My dad hurt me to make himself feel better, I don't want to turn into him." 

"What if he needs you as well?" He asks and I don't respond. I never do. But this question will be stuck in my head for a long period of time. I get up and clap my hands. "Let's sleep, we gossiped enough."

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Well this was emotional. I guess the fight between heart and mind is a hard one, who do you think it'll win? Will Harry let Louis in or will he push him away?