Scar wars (Larry fanfic)

Harry

"Are you okay, buddy?" I hear Niall asking and I giggle, he can't know I'm falling again. "I'm fine buddy, nothing happened. I just had a migraine or something. Louis took care of me, all good." I hear him sighing and I close my eyes. He knows it's a lie. 

"Niall stop stressing about me. I'm a grown up man, I know how to live." I say more harshly because I'm sick of people pitying me and Niall whispers softly. "By killing yourself? This is how you know how to live, Harry?" 

My breath stopped and I broke into crying, ending the call. I hide my face in my hands letting the tears fall on my cheeks like rivers. I wipe them off reminding myself that I'm in someone's office and get up. I barely stand but I gather all my things ready to go and keep myself busy. And the door opens. 

No. No. No.

"Where are you going?" Louis asks confused but I don't look at him at all. I whisper "Home" trying to hide my now shaking voice and he comes to my side making me turn my head away from him because he can't not see me like this. 

"Harry…" He says softly making me want to cry even more because he's trying to get my attention and then he touches my right cheek softly making me look at him. "Please don't beat my ass" I stare at him and say "I will. Let me go." 

I would never hurt him but I have to play strong. His touch doesn't hurt like the other touches. His touch is gentle, almost healing. If I wouldn't be so afraid I would hide myself in his arms in no time begging him to hold me until nothing hurts anymore. If I wouldn't be scared that he would back off I would bury my face in his hand even more and I would let him wipe my tears off. If I wouldn't be afraid I would let him heal me. But I'm terrified. I'm terrified of everything, of getting hurt, of disappointing, of him realising how broken I am. These scars never go away and they always remind me how broken I really am. Because they keep coming back. Every single time. 

His touch hurts.

His touch hurts more. Because I can't have it. I can't accept it. I'm not allowed to. I can feel his thumbs wiping off my tears and I just want to never lose this. He tilts his head, smiling softly and comforting "Hey… what is happening?" 

I'm falling. 

I pull away and wipe my tears off. "Nothing. Thank you for your help but now I really have to go." 

"Harry, you're barely standing." He says trying to change my mind and I know this. I feel like my knees will go liquid in any moment. "C'mon look at me. Please for God's sake look at me" 

"I can't!" I yell at him and my voice cracks. He's not hurt, he's concerned now. "Please stay away from me." I say because I know I can't get attached to him. Because I know I'm meant to do this alone. Forever. But he shakes his head.

"You know what? No. I won't stay away from you because I can't let you leave this room because it will kill me knowing you are God knows where not knowing if you are freaking alive or not! Your body needs rest and food because you decided to not give a shit about yourself and now it pays you back. And by doing that you are not just hurting yourself but hurting everyone that cares about you! Everyone needs help once in a while and as someone who swore to never let anyone get in his heart I'm telling you, it breaks you!" He tells me more harshly but also gently and I shake my head.

"I'm not weak! I've always done it alone! No one can help. Let me go" I say knowing damn well I want him to hug me and tell me it'll be alright. 

"If I let myself feel, will you let me help you? If I risk getting hurt, will you risk it with me?" I look at him. 

He's afraid too.

"Why are you doing this?" I ask shakily. "Because I care" He responds immediately and I can see he means it. "If I let you help me this time, I need you to promise me that you will never search for me ever again. I will stay away and you will stay away. You'll forget about me as I will forget about you and you will be just the waiter of the cafe I'm drinking my coffee in. And I will be just a random doctor that likes coffee. Otherwise I'm leaving now." 

I can hear my heart breaking while I say those words but I can't let myself get attached to someone I know it'll leave and I can't let him care about someone that doesn't matter. He hesitates for a second but nods. "Okay. That's what we'll do. Just let me be here for you today." He's hurt. I can hear it in his voice but it's for his own good. 

I nod and he opens his arms making me sink my body in his arms. He somehow succeeds in lifting me up and he sits on the couch with me on his lap. I open my legs sitting on my knees on the couch with my face buried in his neck sobbing. "Sit on my lap, love." I hear him saying and I lower my body until I'm sitting on his lap. Even though I'm sobbing this has an effect I didn't want to have on me. I can feel his arm around my lower back and his other arm in my hair. I can feel his breath on my ear and his cheek on the top of my head. My hands are tight around his neck, one of them resting in his hair and I sit there crying. Letting everything out. 

I feel good.

I've never felt good being vulnerable around someone. But around him I do. He starts whispering comforting words to my ear and if I wouldn't know what I was doing I would've asked him kindly to kiss me until my lips hurt and to make me limp while walking and that time not because of my scars. But sadly I know damn well who I am and that I don't deserve anything from what is happening and that he doesn't deserve to have a broken boyfriend so I cry some more. 

I found myself only hugging him after I stopped crying. I close my eyes, I don't remember when I actually stopped crying but I stopped a while ago because the tears are now dried out on my cheeks. I can feel his hand on my back and not on my shirt but on my skin and I would lie if I'd tell I want him to take it off. Everything about him is gentle, nothing is harsh, nothing is painful. I can feel his hand moving in my hair and I suppose he's just gently playing with my hair while keeping his mouth on the top of my head. I know it's his mouth because I can feel his warm breath and his gentle kisses once in a while. 

I turn my head to see his face and he smiles gently "Let's take a nap, huh?" I nod because I'm really tired but I know I'll have a nightmare so I stop. "I… I have nightmares sometimes"

Everytime. Not sometimes. 

He kisses my head softly and whispers "I don't care, I'll be here." I nod softly and he lays down on his back and I don't waste a second to snuggle on top of him. He parts his legs making space for one of my legs and the other one goes next to his, my face is on his chest directly on his heart and I can hear his heartbeats. His heart is beating fast, really fast and I wonder if it's because of the position we're in or it's just his normal rhythm. His right arm goes back on my lower back and the other one around my shoulders and I look at him.

"You can play with my hair if you want to." He smiles softly and moves his hand on my head gently. "What time is it?" I ask and he checks his watch. "8am" he informs me and I nod. 

"Louis?" He hums in response and I look into his eyes. "Just because I hurt you doesn't mean everyone will."

"You didn't hurt me, Harry." 

"I did… and I'm sorry. I'm doing it for you. As I'm doing it for Niall too. I better hurt you now than hurting later even more." 

"What makes you think you will hurt me?"

"Because I'm not allowed…"

"To what?" 

"Feel loved." That's the last thing I say before falling asleep.

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The inevitable happened and Harry decided to push him away. Will Louis respect the deal or will he try his luck?