Scar wars (Larry fanfic)

Louis

He fell asleep right after finishing the sentence and I swear to God I understand nothing from it. 

I'm not allowed to feel loved.

I frown thinking about what might go through his mind and my heart starts hurting for him and not from pity but because it hurts knowing he doesn't know how special he is. Or how much anyone deserves to feel loved and cared about.  

I agreed with this deal not because it didn't hurt me because it did hurt me and I think it'll hurt me a long time from now on but because I need him to hold on. I never thought I'd see so much pain in someone's eyes before and when I saw his eyes I was sure I'd do anything for that pain to dissappear. 

I don't know what happened to him or what keeps happening to him but I'm sure it's painful and it makes my heart hurt for him. When I saw his eyes all I could think of was the way his eyes were full of happiness, shining when we were laughing the other day and it just hit like a bullet. Safe to say it hurt more than that bullet that made a hole in my head. 

I saw fear in his eyes like I never saw in anyone's eyes before and as a lawyer I've seen a lot of people, and it makes me wonder what he is so afraid of. A few things got stuck in my head and that is…

I'm not like this.

I can do it alone.

I'm not weak.

I'm doing it for you.

All of these create chaos in my head and I keep wondering what he meant with them. 

Who is the real Harry?

I watch him sleep on my chest while I'm playing with his hair and I notice the way he holds my shirt in his fist. His breath is now relaxed, completely different from ten minutes ago when he was crying in my arms. I would like to ask him what is going through his mind, why is he afraid. I would like to tell him I'd always be here for him only if he wouldn't push me away. 

But he is pushing me away. He looked me right in the eyes and told me I will be a stranger or I will have to let him leave the room in the state he was in and I couldn't do that. He looked at the edge, at the very edge and I was terrified to even think about what Niall said. 

I found you dying. 

My whole body hurts thinking he would even try to kill himself. He looks so strong and powerful and I wonder if that is just a mask he puts on. It suits him but it's hurtful to know he goes through horrible things… alone. It does make him more special in my eyes because who would be able to do it alone? A small number of people. But it hurts knowing he trusts no one to be there for him.

He's just like me.

I swallow hard thinking about that thinking about the fact that I'm going through it alone too. Does my Harry go through that alone? That pain and suffering? Those moments I want to end it all? Those moments I hate everything about me? Alone? 

It hurts.

I can handle it but him? So gentle and soft and perfect? Alone? My look gets fixed on the wall in front of us and I'm hardly holding my tears back. He shouldn't go through it alone. Maybe this is why he's so powerful, the pain he feels alone is nothing next to any other kind of pain. I kiss his head while keeping my lips on head for a long period of time.

That's all I do the whole time he's sleeping. Holding him, comforting him, trying to make him hurt less, am I able to heal him even just a bit? He softly rubs his left eye because the other one is buried in my chest and he looks up at me. 

His green eyes are surrounded by red from the long breakdown he had and I smile softly. "Hi fighter" I say softly because it suits him and he smiles back at me saying a small "Hi" and going back to listening to my heartbeats.