decisions (n.)
a conclusion or resolution reached after consideration.
CHECKMATE #4
"world-changing decisions are hard to make, but learning you have to sacrifice is even harder."
Life has gone back to normal in the Adelaide Woods five years after t...
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track #05 in aiden rhys langston
taylor swift // midnight rain
COPING WITH Cadence not being here isn't as hard as I thought it'd be. Instead, the tiny reminders of my girlfriend keep eating up at my heart until it was totally gone.
They say when you experience immense heartbreak, you feel numb to all feelings – but for me, it was the exact opposite. I felt every feeling all at once. I craved her presence. I listen for her voice every time I pick up the phone; get excited for her name every time my phone buzzes with a notification – just hoping by any chance there is WiFi in the afterlife. I spray her perfume – what was supposed to be a birthday present for her – on my pillow constantly, just so I can have a piece of her with me at all times. I sit where she used to sit when she came over because it's where I get to have dreams of us and what our future could have been. I look through the countless photo albums wishing time would freeze and I could exist in those moments with her forever.
Nothing in life is guaranteed, but a part of me wished we could share our lives together like how we promised.
***
I had never been afraid of dying. I'm still not. But the thought of her leaving me was enough to steal the breath from my lungs and the blood from my veins. It was enough to stop my heart from beating. No, I was never afraid of death for myself, but death for her?
The rain pours down straight onto my head, drenching me and everything I have. The afternoon slowly transitions into dusk, and I imagine how pathetic I must look sitting in the night at the park. I imagined everything.
As the blood soaked into the ground and the last light faded from her eyes, something broke inside me. I promised I'd never let her go through everything alone, but death was something even I wasn't ready to follow her to. Tears dripping from my face, I cursed death and let grief break me apart.
"I was so worried," someone says, and I look up, letting my rain-soaked locks of brown hair fall into my eyes, only to see Laine standing right there.
"What?" I ask, "You don't have to. Just leave me alone, Laine."
Laine shakes her head and sits down next to me, without opening the umbrella that she had carried in her right hand. "I miss her too," she smiles, brushing the strands of loose hair from my face – I don't feel the friendly affection; instead, all I feel is shock, danger, and numbness. The same way I felt as Anson lay cold in my arms, unable to utter any word. The only things I thought about were the distant memories of first noticing her beautiful smile that enticed my heart to beat harder and faster every day. As she lay lifeless in my arms, my heart beat slower and slower back to before her love took a grip and gave me life. But in the end, did mine really matter, when she didn't have her own?
