I'm going to a Mom.
How?
I don't know how to be one. I don't know how change diapers. I try to eat healthy. I hardly get enough sleep and drink enough water. I don't feel ready to become a Mom.
No, we're supposed to get married this summer. I already picked out my dress. It's beautiful, and I won't be able to fit into it. Wait, how far along would I be at the wedding?
"No" it flew from my lips. I tipped my head into my hands and sobbed. The sound of me crying was all I could hear. There were no words of consolation from Matt, because Dad to he was jumping with joy from the news. He was next door telling Jason, and I couldn't have felt lower.
How can this be? We were careful. I took my pill everyday at dinner, but I thought still taking the one after almost missing it was okay. The pill made my periods lighter, so I assumed it was my period.
"Fuck" I mumble under my breath. "They're fucking pregnancy symptoms too"
And then, there was the throwing up. It wasn't just in the mornings, it had been at random times over the last few days. There was a baby growing inside of me, that's why. It was an explanation for everything- the aches, the cramps, the spotting and the throwing up.
Matt's baby.
Our baby.
Holy shit.
As the clock in Matt's office ticked by, my trip on the Guilt express carried on, because the happiness train was moving quick away from me.
I looked around Matt's office, but it didn't calm me. My heart still raced in my chest and I'm afraid it may give up. Suddenly, the announcement blared again in my head. Matt and I are having a baby. Dropping the test on my lap, my hand inches towards my body.
It's no different when I feel it, as I stroked my stomach. I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't feel any different inside. I can't see it, or feel it, but the words appear in my head
There's a baby in there. My baby. I'm it's Mom and Matt's it's Dad. It could be a boy or a girl. The sourness builds upon each other, and I can't hold it back anymore, soon finding relief in Matt's trash can.
I thanked God Matt wasn't here. I busy myself with wrapping the bag, replacing it with a new one and lighting some candles. My head spun as I sat down, holding it and feeling my body shake.
Why am I not happy? I wanted to be a Mom my whole life, and now that I am...I wish that I wasn't.
Why can't I be like Matt? He's so happy about it.
"Are you okay, honey?"
Speak of the devil. I cleared my throat and quickly wiped my face, while looking out the window, wishing I was anywhere else but here.
"Yeah" I mumbled. The tight feeling in my stomach appeared when I saw the smile on his face fought when his hand touched my shoulder.
"We should get some lunch in you. What sounds good to you?"
"I'm not hungry"
"Is your stomach still sick after this morning, honey?" He asked. Without looking, I could tell he sat down beside me. "Maybe something small, a yogurt, fruit or some soup. You have to eat, especially now with the baby"
Nodding my head only made it hurt worse. All I want to do is cry, not in front of him. I want to be in bed, without him there. What's wrong with me? Since when do I not want him around?
I don't want to be thinking about how much I haven't had anything to eat today, and that's not good for our baby. The baby that relied on me to take care of it, and that in nine months, will need Matt and I every second.
