Your POV
I wasn't certain what it was when I woke up. Was it the beeping? My own breathing? The odd smell of the place around me? Or the warmth on my hand? The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was Matt. There wasn't any pause of reality waiting to hit me, because it already had. The look on his face said it all for me.
"Hi, honey. How are you feeling?" He mumbled, cupping my cheek with his hand. "Oh, Y/N"
"No" the word repeated from my lips, I had the weirdest taste in my mouth, but it didn't compare to the rest of me. More emptiness greeted me when I put my hand on my stomach, and I know. "I was supposed to wake up...this was supposed to be a nightmare and I'd wake up and it would all be okay... The baby would be okay" I cried, overcome by the shaking in my chest.
"I'm here, Y/N. I'm so sorry" his voice broke, making me press harder to my stomach, knowing what wasn't there anymore. "I wish you could have woken up from this nightmare too, that we both could have. It shouldn't like this, I'm so sorry"
"It's not your fault" I whispered, balling his shirt in my hands. "I should've known something might happen...my feeling. It's my own body, how did I not know something was wrong?"
"You couldn't have known, Y/N. The doctor said you did everything right- you took your vitamins, you ate good, exercised"
I tried to absorb his words, but I can't. It's like I was listening to what he said, but I wasn't taking it in. I shook my head back and forth and fought for a breath as the memory came back to me. Waking up from the pain and feeling the wetness- I squeezed my eyes shut to try and forget, but I can't.
"It's nobody's fault. Not yours, not mine, not...not the baby's. We can't blame ourselves" he insisted, but I can't believe him. I wish I could, I lay there like an empty shell with my hand on my stomach.
Until my cries fall silent, and I'm not. I stared into the darkness hiding in the place where his neck and shoulder meet. A never ending stream leaves my eyes, but the ferocity of them left.
Dr Steven's came back into the room after a little while. She had a different softness in her voice, but I refused to move from my hiding place. It was everything I expected to her, and how I thought about how this day to go, it wasn't. Matt cried first when she told us she found out the gender of the baby from some test. I couldn't decide if I wanted to know. I already did know in a way, but when she said it, something inside of me broke, as well as him.
"A daughter, Y/N. We were supposed to have a little girl" his voice shook as he spoke. Somehow,' my voice was absent.
His body shook against my still one, and as he turned to drench my neck with tears, I lifted my head for the first time from his neck. Relaxing my hand against his back, a tiredness had taken hold of me long ago. Matt buried his face in my hair, crying for our daughter. Something that I couldn't do and I don't know why.
~
I hated the silence had surrounded us and refused to leave. It sat there, even as Matt threatened it with his snoring, but it already claimed me. It found it's way inside of me, lying there in the hospital bed, hooked up to machines. It consumed the space between us on the way home, even with my hand tucked into his all the way.
I couldn't decide if the quiet was my friend or my worst enemy as I lay down in the downstairs guest bedroom beside him that night, after a shower and a takeout I barely ate. The clock reading midnight stared back at me as my throat tightened, and I gasped for air. It had been 12 hours since we lost our baby. Next it would be a day, and then...
His own stillness scared me, because I couldn't feel this alone, and as much as I hated to wake him, I had to. Crying his name, I moved across the bed until I was in his arms. His snoring stopped and he sighed.
"Y/N" he mumbled, with a tired voice. He stirred and opened his arms for me. He stayed quiet as I cried into his chest. "I'm here, honey. I'm here"
"But our baby isn't...why?" I cried, feeling his necklace against my cheek. He held me tight as every bit of stillness left my body. "They're gone. I shut down and our daughter...is gone"
"I know, honey"
"She's gone...why can't I wake up from this nightmare? We don't deserve this" at last I relaxed against him, giving up. "I wanted to be a mom so bad, it's not fair"
"It's not fair at all...I wish I could fix it all. Please, don't disappear on me like that again. You wouldn't talk to me or look at me, I can't lose you too"
"I'll try. It's like I went somewhere else, because...because I don't want to do this. Any of it. I can't" they're the last words I said, against his chest.
He fell back to sleep first, his hand slowing rubbing my back until it stopped, but I lay there thinking. It was a long time until I feel asleep, hoping I could dream about our daughter again, knowing it's the only place I'd see her.
