I didn't know how to speak, despite the words racing around in my head. They all revolved around him because I couldn't stop if I tried. After an update about him being in surgery, they started to fall asleep. It was the last thing I could do. Every inch of my brain was full of him and I couldn't remember a time I hadn't been shaking all over.
Before Holly fell asleep, she'd been there every second. Matt would have been proud of the way she was taking care of me. Bringing me water, making me eat crackers and a banana. But I refused to sleep.
I didn't even know what time it was anymore, or what the name of the floor was. Everyone else was asleep, slumped over in chairs, wondering why I wasn't talking..to them or the doctors when they came with updates. I was the important one, wasn't I? Shouldn't I be more involved?
~
"Y/N?" Another voice came, ripping his away. I could be mad, but I was so tired.
"What?" It was quiet and all I could manage . I feel like one of those toys I had as a kid where you could squeeze the alien and the eyes would pop out.
"What are you thinking about?"
"The argument we had today, when..."
"He knew, Y/N. He knew how much you loved him and wanted a family, even if-"
"Even if what, Holly?" I asked, grabbing the water bottle in front of me and taking a drink. "Even if nearly everything I did and said the last few days told him otherwise? How would he know then?"
I turned to her and waited for her response. When it didn't come, I turned away and huffed.
"You didn't lose that letter, Y/N"
"What are you talking about?" I asked, sniffling and grabbing a tissue from the box she put in front of me.
I'm not sure why we were sitting here, maybe we were avoiding everyone's stares. The window we sat at, looked out into the city, where everyone was asleep. I ball the tissue into my fist and sit up.
"The one you wrote him saying how you felt about him"
"What do you mean I didn't lose it, Holly? Did you-"
"When the paramedic called me that night, telling me what happened to you, Y/N, I just grabbed it. How could you even be mad? You told me if something ever happened to you, you wanted him to have it, so he knew how you felt. I did give it to him and he read it. A dozen times, maybe"
"I'm not mad...I'm happy, but how could you know that, Holly?" I asked with a shaky voice.
"Because, Y/N" she started. "I always wondered what he did with it after that night, and then I saw it, in his wallet. It looked worn, Y/N, like he read it a lot. Of course he knows how you feel about him- the kind of life you want with him and how much you love him. He knows, don't worry about it"
I wasn't sure when I started to sob again, just as she pulled me against her.
"He knew, Y/N, don't doubt that. He wouldn't want you to. He loved you so much and he knew you loved him too, despite the stress of finding out about the baby"
All I could do was nod, remembering what was written in the letter, and I felt like I could breathe.
~
I wasn't sure where I went to, just that I was glad to be away from them, and at last being able to touch my stomach.
"I didn't forget about you, don't worry" I was almost able to say.
"Neither did I" someone said and something broke inside of me at the sound of the voice.
For a second, I thought it was him. It had been happening all night. I would look away from my ring or my stomach, thinking I saw him . But no, this person was real, and it wasn't him.
