I went to bed with hope that tomorrow would be different. But, I woke up to an empty bed and it wasn't different. I wasn't surprised, but I felt let down.
It wasn't long after I woke up that there was a knock on the door. "Hey, honey. I'm making French toast. How many slices do you want?" The rest of the night was uneventful. His grandma stayed for another hour, and we ate cookies and finally talked about it. Now, lying with my back to Matt, I don't know how to do that again. "Wake up, it's nearly noon"
He was closer now, as he rested his hands on my shoulders from behind. The feeling of his thumb running into the tissue made me want to let him drive away my thoughts, but I didn't know how. Even if he was her dad, how could I explain to him the emptiness that filled me when I remembered my child died inside of me? He wouldn't understand, and he couldn't hear how much I wished he was there that morning. The fact he wasn't there changed everything. When he nagged at me, I bit my tongue to hold back the worst blows. All I knew how to do was drown in regret.
He mumbled my name one more time, and I couldn't ignore it. "No thanks"
"I can bring it here for you. There's bacon and strawberries too. Orange juice as well"
I shook my head, burying my face into the pillow. Before, he was my safety blanket, but now it was his smell that calmed me down. I wanted to feel guilty about it but I didn't have the energy to feel guilt.
"I'll have a little bit" I gave in, listening to his hopeful response before leaving. For once, he let me eat in the bedroom, but he inspected my plate and I could tell he was biting back a remark as he read the paper on the other end of the kitchen island
"Can we talk?"
"What about?" I replied, bending down to put my plate in the dishwasher. I stood back up, preparing myself for his questions.
"You know...about the baby" he answer. I hear it, the way he has to force the words out. I only know because I've done it so many times with him.
"What's there to talk about?"
"Y/N" he sighed and I could sense the annoyance. "I thought you said you were going to try. Last night went well, you did great, I-"
"I just can't do it today, Matt" I snapped, catching his sagging features when I look at him.
"So what, we have to schedule a time to talk about it?"
"Matt, please" I started, with tears in my eyes.
"We got pregnant and we..we had a miscarriage, Y/N. It's been nearly a month, so what comes next? When do we get back to normal?"
I wasn't even facing him and the words felt like a slap in the face. When I turned around to face him with blurry eyes, he melted into a puddle of regret.
"I didn't mean it that way, Y/N. Not-"
"Not what, Matt? That we should just forget it and move on with our lives? God, you sound like the doctor the other day who said we start trying again whenever we want. I don't want to try, Matt, because I'm scared we'd lose another one. What if I can't have kids? I don't want to forget or replace her" he didn't hear the last part and I didn't know if I wanted him to.
"You don't know that, Y/N, and that's not what I meant" he cut me off, standing up. "I didn't say we have to try again right now. I just mean that I want us to get better, together and on our own. We're supposed to get married and I still don't know when that's going to happen. The house will be ready soon, and I want to bring you there to look at the progress"
I started shaking my head before he stopped talking. It brought an annoyance to his words that I didn't like. He huffed and sat back on the chair, running his hand through his hair.
