Everything inside me yelled to run from him, but I knew I couldn't anymore. I looked into his eyes, feeling mine pour over with the emotions I was feeling.
"Let's get comfortable for this" Matt mumbled. Next, I was being picked up and he carried me in his arms. "You're lighter"
I hummed, not knowing what to say back to that, but part of me thinks he knows that. That's not what I say next. "Your grandma's food might help with that. If you stop eating my cookies"
"Your cookies, huh? I don't remember your name on them" he said, laughing. It continued as he walked across the floor. It had been a while since I heard him laugh, and even more so, to see it at work when he lay down on the bed.
"I guess I can share"
"You have to" I hear his laugh repeat in my head as he got under the blankets with me.
How did I ever stop feeling lucky to have him? I wanted him for so long and I couldn't believe it when I got to call him mine. Even more when I got to call him my fiancé, and the father of my child. He still was and I was grateful for that
"There's no pressure, okay?"
"Okay" I whispered, shocked at how weird his touch feels. His lips hold sunshine when I meet his eyes, a colour that makes my heart squeeze. "I can't tell you how many times I wondered if she'd have your eyes"
Matt's nod was quiet, but it wasn't. It spoke volume when I saw the sadness behind his eyes. "I wondered that too, but I always wished our kids would have your eyes. I know she would've been beautiful"
"Matt" I sighed
"I know, honey. I know" his voice was light as he stroked my cheek. Leaning into his hand, my lips quiver under the weight of his words. "I miss her too...all of the time"
"What did I do wrong, Matt? I don't understand"
"You didn't do anything wrong, honey. Neither of us did and we can't blame ourselves for something we had no control over. I wish I could tell you why, but I can't. I don't think we'll ever know why, Y/N"
"I wish I knew why she had to die" I fell apart in his hands and sobbed against his neck, my favourite hiding place. I had slowly been drowning this whole time in my tears and grief, but finally, I found hold on him.
"I do too"
"I don't want to forget her, but it's so hard to think about. I know I need to do something so I can..I can think about other things, but then I feel guilty" I admitted against the chain of his necklace.
"I never want her to be forgotten, she's our daughter, but her death doesn't need to consume us anymore. I know it's silly to say, but I don't think she'd want that...even if she's only a baby. We're still her parents and we always will be. No one can take that from us. We're going to be okay. Maybe not today or in a week, but soon. I want to feel okay again"
"So do I, Matt" I agreed, playing with his hair. "I don't want..I don't want her to think that means I've forgotten her or that I love her less. I can't..I can't imagine having another baby so soon"
"I'm not ready either, and that's okay. It's alright that we're not okay, but she knows. I like to think she knows how loved she is, and she's being taken care of by so many loved ones"
"Yeah, she's lucky"
"So are they" Matt mumbled and I pull away, finding his eyes again. A tear streamed down his cheek.
I find it hard to look in his eyes for too long, so I played with his rings. It felt awkward when I put mine back on, not remembering why I took them off in the first place. But then I remember. It was because of blood. They were covered in blood and he noticed at the hospital, so he took them off to wash them.
