About Me

Chapter 9: sixth class (groep 8)

It started with camp. My friend Julie and her friend. (I forgot her name) I could choose who I wanted to go in a room with, because I was bullied so I got in a room with them.

A few weeks earlier my middle sister Puk was standing by the motorway. She was a mess. She wanted to kill herself. A friend of her did tell someone and my sister is still alive. A year before she did this we were talking in her room. And she asked me if I knew if I liked boys and girls. I told her I thought I was Bisexual. I still don't know for sure, but I don't care that much I fall for someone and I don't need a label right now. She also asked me about if I thought about killing or hurting myself. I was a bit shocked. I was eleven. I did absolutely not think about that stuff. I asked if she did. She said yes. I wanted to tell our parents but she threatened me so I didn't tell anyone. I forgot about it fast but later I felt very guilty about not telling anyone. Because she could have died. She could have jumped in front of a car. She wanted to leave us like that. I think she cuts herself sometimes. She got some scars or wounds sometimes and if I asked about it she snapped at me. So I left it. I told Julie about what happened and she promised to keep her mouth shut.

Julie got bullied too, she was on the same school but in a other classroom. When we did go to camp she started to get jealous and mean to me. One time when we where at the beach I was lonely, but I didn't mind that much I could think now. She invited me to join her and some popular kids from my class. I joined them but they kept running away from me and I did not want to run after them, they weren't even nice to me. I got back to the bikes and I was called trash by some guys. I missed the picture for the yearbook and I got away fast. When we were back at the camp I came in my room and there stood Julie, Karlijn (I remembered her name) Lezy and Ely. (The mean popular kids from my class, they acted popular but they weren't that beloved in our class) they stopped talking when I came in but I ignored them. "What's up? You suddenly where gone." Lezy and Ely asked mean. They knew really good that I did not go away but that they did. Julie laughed. "Yeah, when you sat there alone we thought you were going to kill yourself." They all laughed but I got of angry. "YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!! THAT'S NOT SOMETHING TO MAKE JOKES OF!!! YOU KNOW FUCKING WELL WHAT MY SISTER WANTED TO DO AND YOU'RE A GODDAMN BITCH TO SAY THAT!!!" I screamed hard. I got really mad because when she was sad or bullied or insecure I always kept supporting her and now she tried to pull herself up by pushing me down to get popular. "YOU KNOW WHAT JULIE? I SUPPORTED YOU THROUGH EVERY TIME YOU GOT BULLIED. AND NOW YOU'RE DOING IT YOURSELF. YOU SUNK REALLY LOW TO DO THAT. IF YOU KEEP GOING LIKE THIS YOU WILL END UP ALONE. REGRETTING EVERYTHING YOU SAID OR DID TODAY. YOU'RE TERRIFIED TO SHOW WHO YOU REALLY ARE AND YOU TRY TO LET ME DOWN BECAUSE I DARE TO BE WHO I AM. BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. BUT I WON'T LET YOU LAUGH ABOUT KILLING YOURSELF. YOUR MOTHER, FATHER COULD HAVE DONE IT, WOULD YOU STILL LAUGH WHEN THEY WERE DEAD?" I screamed. She laughed awkwardly with Lezy, Ely and Karlijn. I saw they were terrified. And I demanded that they should leave. They did and I locked myself up in our room. My camp was destroyed and Julie didn't got any consequences.

There was a guy who saw me crying on the couch. Everyone was gone and I had to wait for a teacher. He came to me and talked with me. He was around 23 I guess. "Hey, is something wrong?" He asked. I nodded and told him everything. He was really nice and said that I am really strong. And that I am way more mature then them. He told me I should not care about what they thought about me because they are not worth it, they don't deserve to have a opinion without the real story. He said to stay strong and told me that he admired me. He went back to work and I learned a life lesson. I never forgot him. It meant a lot to me. I never told anyone and I know that he is a good person. He actually cared about a stranger (me) and asked what was going on. It meant so much to me because it didn't happen often that people really cared about me.

We also had a musical that year and I got the solo. I had to sing alone, I can't sing that well, but I was the only one not afraid to do it. And even if it was a male part I didn't care. I cut my hair at the start so that wouldn't be a problem. But then one day I had a really bad day. I ripped out of my pants and no one told me and when I was going home Julie was waiting at the corner of my house and yelled some nasty stuff about me and my solo. I heard she had fainted when she had to sing the song in front of the class but I didn't care. She could sing beautiful but she didn't have the balls to sing in front of people. I did and that's why she followed me, she was jealous. My sister was home and supported me. We called our parents, Julie had crossed a line. She had gone crazy for waiting at my house to yell nasty stuff about me. My parents talked to Julie's divorced parents, it didn't happen again and I could sing my solo with the whole class. And we wouldn't be watching each others musical. It helped and sometimes I saw Julie lonely in the break. What I said came true, Lezy and Ely let her fall and Karlijn had other friends and she did end up alone. At the time I was still mad at her and I was convinced that she deserved it. She still said some nasty stuff about me behind my back and she was not nice. Now I am still hurt by what happened. And I still think she is a bitch. But I know how it feels to be alone. It sucks. And I don't think anyone deserves that. Even the most evil person on the world. Because people act like this because they are terrified to just be. It's their own choice to act like they are someone else but I don't think it makes them feel better.