About Me

Chapter 32: Letter To The World

Dear World,

There are much things I don't get. But this is out of my mind. Everything is going wrong. I am trying to be strong, I am trying to fight back as much as I can, but you have no idea how hard you are making it for me. I wish I could make it come to an end, but I can't. I am 13 years old, I am autistic, I am a girl, I have glasses, I am little, but I am strong, so strong. Why in the world don't you let me end it? Why in the world do you make me cry every single day? Why in the world are the only people who understand so far away? I want to live, but not like this. How on earth are the people who understand not able to make it end? Why on earth do the people who can make it end not believe me? What on earth did I do to deserve this? A fucked up family? Open wounds that will never close? Pain that will never go away? What do I need to do to make it end? To live in peace with the people who care. Not with people who treat me like trash. They don't deserve to know me. They don't deserve anymore chances! I did everything I could. I still do. But I am desperate. Why does it have to be like this? Why did it have to go like this? I am not a person to stop fighting back and just wait. But if I fight I will be blamed. I am always blamed, for everything I have no control over. Every step I take is judged and wrong. It's always wrong, even if I listen. I know I never will receive the answers of the questions I have. But I can't stop wondering what they might be. I know I am not bad. I may have hurt people, but it was my way to say something was wrong, I fought back to defend myself. I felt the punches and kicks myself too. The pain is heavy on my chest. My mother's knee is heavy on my chest. But how would I be able to get away from that? I am 13 years old. I am a girl. I am autistic. I am little. I have glasses. But I am a CHILD. What on earth did I do to deserve that as a CHILD?! To let my whole life be ruined by people who are not able to raise a child, their own flesh and blood.

I don't want to fight for something that's not worth fighting for. All this year I did my very best to fix everything, but it wasn't enough. It will never be enough. Everything is broken. This is not a thing that I or somebody else can fix. It is too late, I tried, but there will be a day that it's enough. I don't want my world to fall apart because I let myself being ripped to peaces. I want to live my own life, not that from others. I don't want to get an present from somebody who thinks I don't deserve it. As much as I love presents, I am not stupid, I am not pathetic and I am not deaf. I have heard what they said about me. I am not mad, I am just very disappointed. I don't deserve this. I am deciding how much I am worth and I don't deserve this. I don't know what about them, but I deserve so much better. I deserve appreciation for everything I have done this year. For every goal I have reached. I deserve to celebrate it with the people who I DO love. I don't deserve to feel lonely, tired and kicked all the time. I don't know what they think they deserve. But they don't deserve me. Not a single peace, I am going to make the world a better place, starting with beginning my own life. I never really fit in somewhere. And honestly I don't care about that anymore, I will create my own place where I fit in. Somewhere I can be me. I deserve my life, so I am going to try and take the best out of it.