About Me

Chapter 19: Trying something new.

Hai. It's 00:30 AM right now. I can't sleep, I am terrified. And the mosquito in my room is definitely not helping. (You all know how annoying they are) I am going to sleep somewhere else ones a month, and this weekend is the first time. I haven't seen the building or the people. I will share a room, it's only for a weekend. But now it's vacation, so it'll be from Sunday evening until Tuesday midday. The age is round twelve and sixteen, so they probably will be a lot taller and older then me. They will have autism or ADHD. I will sleep with a girl one or two in a room. It will be with twelve people boys and girls, but of course boys and girls sleep apart. I am excited about it, but I don't know what to expect.
When I was younger I wouldn't be scared, because back then I still was innocent and little and cute. (Can't say I am not little now, I still can seem cute and innocent sometimes.) But now everything has changed. I have changed. I have learned it the hard way. I have to deal with stuff other people don't have to deal with. They deal with: "OMG! Girl! Did I look good enough on that dance video?! Where my boobs big enough, or my skirt short enough?" But I have to deal with this. "Ooh, what a fun app. Oh, I'll have to ask dad if I can download it first. I know for sure he'll say no, let's not do it. I don't feel like a long boring story about privacy." And this isn't even the worst. Every single day I have to deal with this. "How am I going to survive the day today? How am I not going to flip from all the pressure? How am I going to escape being with my parents or sisters as much as I can? How am I still going to make myself happy and smile with only me, my stories, my drama and my in security's? What am I going to do today?" It's all I can think about. I am constantly confronted with my trauma's, because I live with them in a house. No one could hold that for long. That's why I am going to sleep there once a month. But it's scary. And I can't sleep. I want to be on my best, but the best of me is being beaten out of me. I am not that secure girl anymore. I don't start a conversation with a stranger that fast anymore. I love it when it happens, and I love attention. But I have lost it somewhere on the way. Maybe you have already read it. But the only way to be myself is to write or to do drama. That's when I am truly myself even if I am being someone else. I can lose myself in it, and just forget everything around me. When I write I sometimes literally cry because of the story. (Yeah, I know. Sensitive and nerdy and all. But I am damn proud of it.) And when I do Drama. It's so amazing. Everything is spinning and colourful and it can be sensitive but also very funny. You can use your imagination and you develop more. You can just be. Stand there on the stage. Saying: "This is who I am. And if you got a problem with that you can just fuck off." That's really important to me.

Well, I'll tell you more about how it did go in the next chapter.

I also have very exciting news! I am writing a book Jake and I. And it's really amazing to read. I have a few fans. (Not here) and they are begging me to write more. But the amazing part is they are so sweet and loyal and very kind. They made covers for that book. And I love them! They fit very well even if some aren't finished yet. So here is one:

And another one:

I think they are beautiful and they have something. They made it by themselves! It's so cool! I am still amazed. They even helped me making up the title! It used to be called: "??" Which is a bit pathetic.

Well, I am getting tired now, so I'll go to sleep. (On the couch. I was getting crazy because of that mosquito.) It's 01:25 AM now so way too late for me. Good night! (Or good morning or whenever you read this)