About Me

Chapter 18: Who am I?

I don't know what to write, I have a bit of a black out, but I'll try to keep you up. This week I have a test week from school. I don't have to do much, and well it's not really hard. I also had a birthday party from a old friend of mine. She is called Noor, she turned 12, we lost contact a bit when I did go to the Inktivs, and she did visit, but she didn't know how to react to the situation and it was pretty awkward between us. But I had a lot of fun at the party, and it was nice to be around people who don't know you, strangers don't judge, family do. It was nice to feel happy and to really laugh, I don't do that often anymore, and other people always see me as the sun. Always happy, always smiling, always shining. It might be weird to say, but I miss myself. I really do. I want to be the careless girl again, just don't giving a fuck and talk to strangers, be myself and go all crazy, just like I am. But I'm not so confident anymore, just like other girls I am afraid to be judged. For my writing, for what I like, for who I am. I want to be the sun again, I want to laugh, and I want to be the one who makes the day a good day, just like I used to do. I am afraid to lose myself, because if I do lose myself, my dreams will never come true. I don't want that, I want to live a life. I want to shine in the spotlights, I might not show it often anymore, but if you see me on the stage, I am born to stand there.

Today I got a call from Douwe, one of my old classmates. He was just bored or something I think. I said: 'Hello? Who is this?' Douwe answered with a high voice: 'Jonas, I want to buy your book.' I didn't knew who it was at the time because it was a private number and I already had the number of Jonas. So I texted him and Jonas told me that it was Douwe.

I am writing about this because I think it's weird, Douwe just called me without any good reason, he used to bully me and he still isn't very nice. I am not used to be just called up, I have no social media, I don't watch the news a lot, and I am raised in a other way then other kids. I don't keep up with what is going on in the world and with the hypes. People look strange at me when I ask what a word means when they use slang, sometimes they just won't tell me what the word means because I am too "innocent" that I am too young to know. But most of the time I am older, and well, I learned a lot from the kids from the Inktvis. And reading helps too. They judge me by the acting of my parents, but I am not them, I am their kid and I act more like them, but I am definitely not the same. I don't think I want kids later, because of them. They may have raised me with good intentions, but they hurt me a lot. I don't want to be a mother who abuses her child. I want to have a good job, and if I would be a mother I would want to be able to give my kid the attention they need, and that isn't possible if I am a actress and writer who travels all around the world. I think that's cruel and selfish, I don't think a child deserves that. And I am afraid to be just like my mother, I don't want to be like her. I wouldn't want to hurt my child, maybe my mom doesn't too, but she did, and there is no turning back now. I don't want my child to be afraid of me, to be scared she will be killed for one moment. If I ever want to become a mom, I want to be the opposite of my own mother. But for now I don't ever want to be a mom. It can always change. What I do want to be is a aunt, or to just babysit sometimes, I am good with kids, but if you have one for yourself it's for always. I think that's terrifying, I want to be free, I don't want to be stuck with kids forever.

I guess I am just too afraid of everything. Of surprises and uncertainty.

Just had theater. A Russian girl has arrived. She is very nice and speaks Dutch quite well. We also have an intern who taught us for the first time today. It was a lot of fun, we had to think about these 3 questions: Who am I? What do I want? What can I? and then we had to write down whatever came to mind, you could write anything down, you could be an animal, a rainbow, you didn't have to take it seriously and everything was very free. I wrote this down:

Who am I?

I'm an actress.

I am a writer.