About Me

Chapter 27: Empty Mind.

I don't know what I feel like anymore, I am very tired right now, but I am in my room writing, full of story's and good memory's, I feel like I am leaving the bad things behind for a second. My trauma's won't go away, the pain won't too, but maybe one day I'll accept what happened. I am too young to let me be bothered by this stuff, I will never be the free, innocent, careless kid I used to be, I'll always have my struggles, but that doesn't mean the rest of my life is fucked up.

I need to show myself how to make myself happy again, do the stuff that's fun. I used to be so outgoing, and now I only think about what if... But what if it goes well this time? I won't be this optimistic forever,  but I am right now so I am going to enjoy it.

It might seem weird to most people, but when I need it I will do everything to give myself some time off. Just before summer break ended it wasn't cold, but not hot too, I was riding my bike, and I just didn't care, so I drove through some street fountains. I laughed out loud, I didn't care about the people around me, some even smiled at me and nodded. Some people might think I am weird, different, I have other clothes. If you take a look at my cover it's me with that super colorful coat on. I am not afraid to wear what I want and what fits in my personality. I love my clothes, my hair, my smile. I have my own style and that's what makes me special. I am not trying to be just like others, I am trying to be myself.

I might not always be perfect, but at least I am me, and I know a lot of people are very jealous of that. I think it's a part of the reason why I got bullied. And yes, I still feel hurt because I got bullied for many stupid reasons.

I might be overwhelming, a lot, when you meet me you will be very amazed at first. I get a lot of compliments about feeling home everywhere and always helping and being nice, funny, sweet, caring, I even got the compliment that I was always smiling. It was when I didn't live at home, I smiled almost all day long because I really was happy. I sort of shine when I am happy, I get this glow and it makes people look at me. It's not explainable, but even when I just ride my bike and just smile and say hello to people, and glowing I feel like an magnet, they look at me, and they smile back. I also get compliments because not much people might see it, but I am told that when I am in a certain group of people that I am the one who keeps the atmosphere good. I am the one who keeps everything running, and I am not afraid to say to someone that I disagree or that they are talking mean about someone else.

I am very open and trusting, but you will hear it when you are passing a boundary. I still am a bit too much sometimes, I am working on it, but I can talk much, sometimes I need to be stopped too.

I feel great now, and I am very happy and I know it'll be alright. I will survive despite the pain. I am strong and I know I can do this. This is my the world I live in, and I'll get my chances. It will be okay.