About Me

Chapter 30: Tired to death.

I didn't sleep all night, my thoughts kept going back to trauma's, to the evening before. My sister Puk just never stops mingling in a private conversation between me and my dad. She started to blame me for things I hadn't done, she yelled at me, it happens a lot, but I never got used to it. She kept and kept yelling at me. I raised my voice too, I told her in a very clear way that she didn't need to yell at me, because I was right in front of her and I hadn't done anything wrong, accept for being me maybe.. I told it nice first without raising my voice, I told her it wasn't her job to answer a question I asked my dad. But she kept yelling through it. I started to say NO, I looked her in the eyes and said NO until she stopped to try and react at me. My dad tried to stop us both, but he can't handle those situations, my sister is not mature enough to put it to an stop, so of course it was my job to do it. After that I tried to keep my sobs away and just let the tears stream while eating the rest of my food in 5 seconds. It must have looked horrible, but I wasn't going until I ate my food, when I was jumped I put my plate away and did go upstairs. I didn't slam he door once, I didn't scream, I just sat down on my bed and letting my silent tears flow. I am so overpowered. I am always pushed down just because I am different, I am far ahead of them and they just can't accept it..

That's when I came to the realisation that they won't ever accept it. That it won't change, that this is how it will be all my life. They won't accept it, they never will.

They just can't accept the fact that I am different now, that I grew up, that I became mature, they can't accept they didn't, they can't accept it because I am the youngest but apparently also the wisest. They never will accept me. I will never be good enough for them, because I am already so much better then they are. They are so sick of jealousy they try to pull me down while I know that I can move the world if I want. They can't accept that they aren't able to do that, to do stuff like I can especially my mother and sister can't accept that. Too selfish to look beyond themselves.

They will never accept, because if they would, they would already have accepted that I am able to move people while being younger, but they don't accept, so they never will.

It's sad, painful and pathetic.

But mostly it hurts, I never will be able to be myself without being judged unless I create the moment myself, and I can do that, but it won't be the same, never being accepted by people gets you down, mood swings, I just never feel safe. I know pain too well. I'll always be an outcast, I have accepted it partly, because being an outcast doesn't have to be bad.

I am special, I have been through a lot, no one will ever understand me completely, but I have been told I have an amazing character and I am not going to let it go to waste, my life sucks, my family even more, but it's okay. There is nothing wrong with me and I will hold on to that for as long as I can. I know I am enough, because I am the only one that can decide his much I am worth, and I am worth more then I think, then I know.

I'll be my own shining sun, my own treasure at the end of the rainbow, I'll be okay.