About Me

Chapter 16: Feeling terrible.

Hay everyone!
I am sick. I have a fever, my troat hurts, I have a headache and I can't breath through my nose. But I will be fine. I will.

I just was thinking about story's and fantasizing. It all comes easy. You just make up the headlines. But how do you start and finish a book. It's really hard. I don't have all the time of the world to write, and it takes time. I am just thinking, reading and writing about stuff that keeps my mind busy.

I have a bit of a black out right now, but I will back and continue this chapter later.

Well here I am. I didn't have much sleep last night, and when I did sleep I suddenly started couching and almost choking on my spit. Just on time to wake up. A bit terrifying and I feel terrible. To tired to do something, it's hard to even type this. Everything hurts and I feel so bad. But I did do something fun.

My oldest sister Mette, always wants me to watch Friends. I came downstairs out of breath and sat down. My mother was watching it and I was too bored and tired to do something else. So I watched. I actually liked it and I tried to laugh not too hard, because of my throat, but it was really funny. When my sister came downstairs she just stared at me and the TV with open mouth. It was really funny, she watched all the seasons like more then 5 times. Always being enthusiastic. I couldn't understand the jokes at the time, but now I do and it's actually pretty fun to watch.

Tomorrow Roy my coach from the Inktvis will visit, I hope I won't feel to bad, but I am excited to see him he is a really nice man.

WARNING: I am talking about suicide, but I am also talking about a logical explaining for death and I am talking myself up, what my dreams are and that I won't let suicide or anything else stand in my way to make my dreams come true.

I can't believe it. I really can't. It's like no one sees how hard I try and just do whatever my parents or sisters tell me to do. Just to keep my family together. I don't even know why I am still doing it. But if I don't, I will be covered in bruises. If I don't the next 5 years of my life I will live in more and more pain, even if I am getting stronger. I literally let myself fall apart to keep everyone happy. And I want to leave, but I have nowhere to go. And everything hurts just so bad. And I feel so fucked up. And there's nothing I can do about it. I have zero control over my own life. And that makes me feel so powerless. It makes people happy to see me like that.

A powerless
Angry
Fucked up
Little
MONSTER.

I have a few readers who read my story. I am very grateful for that. But I don't think I will ever be able to make a difference. I don't think people will actually listen to me. Ever.
No one has ever appreciated what I did to make people feel better and to push myself in the back. There are a few people. But not much. And I don't think that I can describe how I am feeling right now. But I'll try.

I feel useless.
Small.
Sick.
Pain.
Powerless.
Anger.
Hurt.
Dumb.
Scared.

I feel like a boat who has no control over itself.

But mostly I feel completely alone.

I can take care of myself. I know that. I am strong, I have survived more. But it just never stops hurting, and I never forget. And maybe that's good, so I know how the world works and who hurt me. But it does a lot of pain, to remember, to tell, to think about it. To cry or feel the pain resting on your shoulders. I know I can keep it up for now.

But I don't know for how long. I am living, there will happen more, but I am barely able to hold the weight up right now. I don't know if I am able to hold it up when I am old. Maybe that's why old people die. Because of the weight that's resting on their shoulders and they're just not able to hold it up anymore. Maybe that's why their bones breakfast, or getting smaller, because they are crushed under the weight of their pain, of their life.

I don't think I believe it. But it's a good way to explain death to me. I think it helps me understand why people die. Why they give up. Because they just can't hold everything up anymore.

That's the reason why people kill themselves. Or why they get depressions. Because they don't see a way out.

It might sound depressive to think about. Or you might think I would do it to myself. But no, that's not what I want to do. I don't want to suffer and then kill myself. I just want to live, I want to be an actress and a writer. And it would be so fucked up if I let anyone stand in my way. If I would kill myself or hurt myself because people like it to pull me down. I don't run away from that. I am a fighter. And I am really stubborn if I want something really bad. I don't know right now if I will make it in this world. But I think it's worth a shot.

If no one else does. I will be the one to believe in myself. I will be my hero. (That's not meant to sound selfish) I will love myself and I will keep myself company, even in the bad times. Because I can't let myself down. Others can, but I can't.

Sorry for the slightly depressive chapter. It will be okay. I promise.