About Me

Chapter 22: Fucked Up.

They want there names removed.

They want there stupid fucking names removed.

I am not having it anymore. I can't keep doing this. Everything is already fucked up. And I won't ever admit it but I am so damn scared, terrified. This is about MY life and my parents and sisters have all the power to ruin it, to kill me. I don't know if they read this story, but I don't care anymore. This is a really dangerous situation I'm in. I am not trying to be the drama queen, you didn't saw the hate in my mothers eyes when I thought I was going to die. You can't see me shaking and crying right now, you can't see what happens here, I am terrified of life, but I can't die and right now it feels like I am really close to dying. Or to face death once again. I can't do this anymore. I can't.

I am not removing there names, it's my book and I can write the names in it I want, they don't realize that it's not about them. Even if this book is literally called: ABOUT ME. They are afraid that their good name is gone if I show anymore people this book, but for me they never had a good name, all the lying, all the pain I can't make a story like this up, I can't because it's the story I live in. I already was nice to ask some people if they wanted their names removed. It's legal, and I think it's their karma that for once someone found a way to show the world what is really wrong in this family, because yeah, it's so damn fucked up, there is no way back for my parents now.

I might say really mean stuff right now, I know there are other people, kids who have it way much worse then me, but that doesn't mean it takes away the pain. Maybe this is just the reason why they won't let me have social media, because then people will know my truth, and probably also the real truth of the whole story.

My dad and I would do something fun, but of course I could expect that he knew the best way to ruin it. He wanted me to "Think" about it. He had no right to tell me what to write or what not, because that is my thing. It is about me and MY surroundings, I told my dad exactly this: 'If you don't want your name in that book about ME and MY surroundings, and sadly you are the surrounding then you have the choice  to step out of my surroundings, because I will just leave everything behind and begin with living MY life, not YOURS.'

I know I am writing mean and cruel, but I already am asking to leave this fucked up home for 2 and a half years, I offered him a chance to get rid of me and to keep out of the book, because if he isn't there or isn't busy with telling me how to write my books there was no chance of me writing about him. He told me they didn't have the money to do such a thing, to get rid of me. So if he had he would do it? Was that what he was saying? I don't know, but there is something more behind that sentence and this was my reaction: 'Well then you should have thought it through first before you gave me this life, because it's not like I like it how it is right now.'

They ruined my chance to get children, I know it's far ahead, but I don't want it anymore because of them.

I don't want to be a bad mother like mine.

I don't ever want to hurt a child like they did to me.

I don't want to be cruel and mean.

It may be a red flag for much guys, but I am too afraid to be just like them.

I wish I had more rights, more power to stop this all. But I have nowhere to go, nowhere. And it's not like I have that many friends. I am the weird one. Fat, ugly, too much or too little, small, nerd, bad hair, no one likes her, she was the one who always got mad and had to be send home, she writes books about herself and posts it and hahaha it's so funny to read it, she likes theater,  she is so weird, no one knows what she means when she is using big words, she is a bitch, a know it all, a busybody, she is also mean and it's so funny to make her mad or hurt her.

All my life this is what everyone says, behind my back and in my face. It hurts, but I can't change those people, I can't change my old bullies, I can't change my parents, I can't change my sisters, I only can change myself and keep holding on, keep telling MY truth, my story, my happiness, my pain and to just be fair and try to survive in the chaos that is life.

I don't know if you know the Netflix series Anne with an E. But it's amazing and I love this talk from Bash and his mother.

His mom: 'You grew up strong, because of me.'

Bash: 'But what you don't understand is that I grew up strong despite of you.'

I think it's just like that with me and my parents, I grew up strong despite of them, not because of them. It makes all the sense in the world to me, because it's true, I grew up strong, maybe too strong, and not only physically, no, also mentally, I might be stood in the way, but I am slowly walking forward, climbing my way to MY top, maybe even THE top.

I am not going to theater today, I can't handle it anymore, I love it, but I don't want to cry there in the middle of the lesson. I won't join in for school or for surprise making. (It's for a Dutch bank holiday, Saint Nicholas.) I hope I will survive these days, but I won't promise anything.

I give you all the love I have! (got much left of it now my I have not friends, parents, sisters to share it with.)