About Me

Chapter 14: A penny for my thoughts.

My feelings can go either way. My head is a big mess. I want to be great, but I keep worrying about whether I'm good enough. I continue to care about other people's opinions, and I still thought I had really changed. Not so. I love my life, I love my world, but I'm selfish and I think the world only revolves around me. At least, that's what I want. I want it so bad that I've started thinking it too. I've started to think I'm someone. I started thinking that I could achieve something, that people would care about my opinion, but most of all, I started thinking that I would be instantly great and that everyone would want to read my stories. It was naive because I know all too well that it doesn't work that way. I wish it didn't have to be this way. That I could be an exception. But everyone is unique, and there are people so much more than me, who have been through so much more, who can achieve so much more. It may hurt, but it's the truth. It's tough, but that's just how the world works. Nothing is exactly balanced. There is a lot of chaos and it is impossible in my head to get everything in order. I see too many details. Almost nothing escapes me, and that makes it so difficult to deal with the fact that I am simply different from others, and that it will never become clear whether that is in a negative or a positive way.

I love writing, but I'm scared. I'm afraid it will never be finished. That I'll never finish it. Because I do that with nothing. And I keep fantasizing, but I can't keep anything short, and there always has to be a message, or addressed to something or someone, I have to write to someone, I have to have a goal to hold on to and never let go to let. But that is not always easy. I want too much and that confuses my thoughts. I think too much, but it's not an option to stop either. Even if I would really like to. That's just not how I work.

I'm too scared. I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid of the past, I'm afraid of the present and I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of what the world has to offer me. Suppose the world arrives empty-handed and says, "Sorry, there's no place for you in this world." What should I do then? How am I supposed to survive then? I want to have a plan B, but if it doesn't work, I also have to have a plan C. I'm afraid there will never be anyone who will really know me. I'm afraid no one will ever truly love me. I fear chaos and ambiguity. In fact, I'm afraid of myself.

Everything is unfair, even if it works in your favor, because then it might be nice, but then it is still unfair. I know I am autistic. That this has disadvantages, why else would it be a disorder? Because that's what "normal" people call it. An Autism Spectrum Disorder. Also known as ASD. I know I'm jumping from topic to topic, but that's also how my thoughts work. They just never stop. I am never at peace, even though it seems like a storm is raging inside me trying to find a way out. A storm that I try to control, but that storm will always be there. Because that storm is me, my rainbow of feelings, my raging thoughts, my sarcastic jokes, it's all part of it. When I was young I didn't know what that storm was yet, and I couldn't yet describe how I felt, so I expressed myself in anger and frustration. Because that's what I do. If I can't handle something anymore, I freak out. And now that I'm older I still can't control my storm. Over time I have learned to accept that the storm is there. And people are less and less likely to get a glimpse of my storm, but that's because I'm now imploding instead of exploding. And even though you can't see it clearly, it still hurts just as much, maybe even more. Because you feel like you're being crushed until there's nothing left. And by exploding you are pulled apart, so the others still have the chance to see what something does to you. But when you implode you bottle everything up inside yourself until there is nothing left of you, until you consist only of pain. I try to release that pain, that storm in other ways, by acting, by writing, by cycling, by swimming, by walking. But that doesn't always help, I can't keep swimming or acting forever, eventually it will stop and then I have to be able to cope again.

But I don't worry about that. I have already endured and survived many things, so this can also be added. And I use the other things as an outlet. What I'm worried about is my future. How am I going to finance myself later? How do I get enough help and support and balance to make my dreams come true? How am I going to arrange everything myself with my tax return? How am I going to live a healthy life if I leave home as soon as I become an adult? Do I want children later? How am I going to achieve what I want to achieve? How am I going to pay everything and ensure that I don't get into debt? Should I start looking for a job now? I know I'm thinking far ahead, and that's probably not healthy, but these are questions that keep me racking my brains, because I really have no idea how I'm going to make everything possible. These are matters for adults, but one day I will be an adult too, and then I will have to arrange and pay for everything myself, but you are not taught anything about that at school.

Everything comes in bursts. Life, death. Feelings, thoughts. Pain, happiness. Splendor and splendor, but also stone and steel. In those gusts you have to find your way, learn to move with the wind. Letting yourself be fed, surrendering because you discover that you have complete control over nothing. It all sounds depressing, and it is, but it is the truth I have experienced. I can always say that I have accepted it, but that is not true, I prefer to be in control and have my feet firmly on the ground. So no, I'm not going to say I accept it, but I do think I can follow the chaos. That little by little I understand more and more, even though something may not make sense.

I'm not going to wait for the gusts that are yet to come, no, I'm going to make the best of the gusts that take me, I will never stop dreaming or thinking, my storm will always be there, but I can still try to stay positive and just live and laugh, but also cry and scream, because that's just part of it.

This was my chapter for today, when I read the previous story I guess I was a bit too happy with everything, I have to stay serious, even if I am overexcited. Madelief, I saw her today, she waved happy to me, I liked that, cause before this story when I saw her one time she didn't wave. I didn't mind, but it's nice that they know my story now, I still have many secrets of course, but this is out without it getting awkward, I didn't have to find the right time to say it, or just spill everything out, no, the could read my story, my feelings, my pain. I always wanted to feel everyone my pain, that's why I hurt some people, but it never was enough, and now I am sure they can feel it, I am sure they are sorry, or understand, because now they just know. It's the best way to show them, to let them feel what I have been trough. Because a story, made up or real, you will be pulled in, you will be the person what the story is about, that's just how it works. I think that that is what a good book is about, to let people feel. Not many people keep reading, they miss a lot. But no one can force them to read, they have to want it, because only then you can find out how many books there are, then you can lose yourself and just feel.