About Me

Chapter 35: Drained.

I haven't updated in a while. I have no good excuses, but I will try to explain and I hope you understand.

First of all I have been busy working on a new book I am writing. I don't know if I am going to post it yet, but it is long from finished and I will only post it if it is finished. Writing it pulled some memories up. And if they are good or bad it makes me realize I have lost my way. Because I know I am so far gone from everything. From everyone.

I always have been different. But the older I got the more I realized that I am something entirely different. I am not just different, I don't FIT. That doesn't have to be bad, but it is not nice to realize that it's not just that you don't FIT, but that the world just isn't ready for someone like you. I have realized that I will always be the one that has to change. Because I am different means that I have to change and try to fit and be the person everyone wants me to be.

But what if I'm right? What if I am the one that doesn't have to change? That I am alone and they are with so much more doesn't mean that I have any wrong behavior. It doesn't mean that when I say something else then the rest that I am wrong. Yes my mind is different, but that doesn't mean it's bad. I don't know what it is, but in a way I have always known I could be a fresh wind in a world like this. I might still be a kid, but I have grown, I have learned, my mind has changed and it's like I am some super old wise woman from the inside. The only problem is that people judge from the outside, my age, my length, that I'm a girl etc. They don't stand still, close their eyes and just listen.

Because if you do that you will notice that the world doesn't have to be about money. Power. War. Yourself and nobody else. School.

It doesn't have to be that way. The world doesn't have to be a pain if people open their minds. There doesn't exist something like an perfect world. But there always exists something like a better world. We can't start over. That's what everyone says. We can't just turn back and go without gas and use better energy. But what if we can?

What if everyone sits around the table together? And with everyone I mean everyone. War or not. The world tries to be so open minded. But then why does nobody hear my voice? Why does nobody listen? If we are so open minded we would be able to listen to each other without judging about their looks, who they are, who they fall in love with but also their age. All my life I have been hearing I am too young to do anything. Too young to know what is best for myself. Too young to have an good idea. Too young to even be worth listening to. Too young to make my own choices and take control.

I hear that every single day. That I am too young. I am not perfect. I judge people too. I am not always right and can be very mean if I want to be. But at least I can admit it. At least I am trying to step out of it even though I need help with it sometimes. At least I am not a close minded idiot who never looks beyond herself. I might be close minded and an idiot, but at least I'm trying.

I know everything could be a lot better, and it kills me I can't do a thing about it. Have any of you ever realized how many man are in charge? Have any of you ever realized that you have never heard of any female dictators? Have any of you ever realized that you don't have to listen or do everything what people tell you to? Have you ever realized that you should be able to wear whatever you want without any pressure of people that will laugh at you if you come to school in for example an garbage bag? Or in pajamas? Or a boy in a skirt or dress? A girl with short and dyed hair?

People nowadays laugh at those people. They don't except them. They tell them, pressure them, force them to change and be someone they aren't. I have thought and searched for it a long time, but I still can't understand how people call that open minded. Everyone has their right to have an opinion. And to speak it out loud. But if your opinion is that that one girl in your school that DOES read books is weird and ugly then keep that to yourself. You can speak your opinion unless it's offending to people or certain groups of people.

I think it's pathetic how adults can be so immature sometimes. Grow up. The world doesn't revolve around you. Your world does, but if you only keep in your own bubble it won't bring you anywhere. People can't even admit they are close minded. Some of them don't even realize. It drives me crazy. I have a lot of fights to fight. But this one isn't just about me. It's not just my future which is in danger. It's everyone their future. From old to young. I don't want everything to turn the wrong way. Some rules are good. But there are a lot of rules that are messed up. Rules that keep me from being able to DO anything. Which I want, I fight for it. But it kills me that I can't.

It kills me so much to have nightmares every night unless I don't sleep. I am drained. I have been through a lot more then any of you could imagine. But still I am trying to do something. Still I am trying to fight. Desperate. People tell me I am strong and very mature, but don't say it if you don't treat me like it. I have worries I shouldn't have. I stand in the same place as adults who worry about not being able to pay off bills. I am pressured into these kinds of worries, so at least least let me be able to do something about it. Instead of slowly fading away. Because that's how I feel.

This is what has been going through my head for days, weeks, months, years. I am so tired of everything and how people compliment me and then directly pull me down again. It makes me feel like am am not worth a thing. And maybe I am not worth a thing. I can't change the world. I have tried to speak up and failed multiple times. The world isn't ready for a mind like mine. It might sound arrogant to some, or offending, but I don't mean to be. I am just struggling and trying to get out of the grip everyone has on me.

I have been worrying way too much, and I know that, but I can't really help it. I have many problems, and I have no idea what to do or how to handle them. I am stuck. And I have no idea if I can keep it all up. I have no idea which turn it is going to take, but I am afraid that it won't be a good one. That's what has been happening all my life after all..