About Me

Chapter 21: Hate.

Here is the bad news, so prepare.

I always feel like wearing a mask. Especially around my family. It looks like everything is okay. And that I am happy. I wear the masks outside too, because even if I pull them off no one would believe or appreciate me. I look all good and happy and I can make jokes and I am perfect and stuff outside. But I am so tired. I am really tired. I don't get much sleep and I am a broken person. I never feel okay. And it hurts so bad that I get sick physically, or that I feel the pain in my hart. I feel like I am always crying even if you don't see the tears. And the one time I am actually laughing at home it's cut off. I am being punished for every single move I make. I can't laugh, I can't cry, I can't scream, I can't look serious or normal, I can't talk or walk without being judged and punished.

Today we where at my grand's home, we talked about getting rich and how long we wanted to work. A few days earlier I talked about why hey don't have any chocolate sprinkles in England or America. I said that I would start a business there and get really rich. And when we where eating Mette my oldest sister stall my idea. I said that, and she said it was her idea, so I said: "Well, then I will let you go to jail for stealing my idea's when I am rich and famous." We also talked about books and that it was hard to find a original book. I said that books are like lives, they can look the same, but they are always different and new and original. And otherwise in the future they could write books about themselves like I am doing now. I said I already started, and my sister Puk said really mean: "Well if your book is going viral, I'll write my own book and that one is going viral too because everything you write is a lie and they will believe me because I am older." It was mean. She  snapped. It hurt and it made me scared, because it's true, no one ever believed me, and she is older. And she will use my fame to get up herself because that's just what she does. She will pull me down to get up herself and she will ruin my future with it. I ran away crying, and she said some more nasty stuff about me.

I am really hurt by the words she said she laughed mean with it, like a witch. And I am so scared she will start a book about herself now too. And that she'll ruin everything. Or spread rumours that aren't true.

And she said that everything I write is a lie, but it's not, it's my truth it's everything I have been through it's my vision of life and situations that happened, and I am afraid she will get like a mean bitch, more mean then she already is.

She always snaps at me even if I am being nice, I can never snap back because then my parents are getting angry at ME. She doesn't realize that I stood up for her in sixth class. I could have easily laughed with Julie, Karlijn, Ely and Lezy. Because it wasn't like Puk was being nice to me. No, she always snaps and snapped. And I always stayed nice. Because she is my sister. I could have said to get I hoped she would die. I could have broken her, hurt her, push her down, talk mean about her, spread rumours, but I didn't.

I didn't because she was my sister, because I am nice. But it never stops and now something has snapped inside of me. I will go crazy soon. I have planned my future, and I won't let them ruin it. But I have to wear my mask first. I have to make them believe that I forgot everything, that I don't mind. But I'll get back on it, and maybe it is mean, it is bad, but I won't be nice this time. Maybe a little because I don't think they're worth it. But I am probably the one who will live the longest and the best and happiest life, so I am doing just that, and I won't let them stand in the way. Even if they broke my heart, even if I never got the love I needed, even if they are the ones who raised me and gave birth to me.

That won't say they are still my sisters, my father, my mother. They are family from blood, nothing else. I don't love them. It might be hard or unbelievable, but for me it's true.

They didn't got a kiss or a hug from me since two years ago, and I am not giving it to them. They don't deserve my happiness, my love, my fame.

Sorry for my hatred, but I am hurt, and broken and I have no idea how I can heal myself with them around, I am fucked up. I know it. But this is the only way I can describe how I feel, even if I am talking mean.