𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭 || baxter radic

16.

◈ 𝒃𝒂𝒙'𝒔 𝒑𝒐𝒗 ◈

Hearing my sister's voice—as much as it hurts—it's good to know she's okay. May was right, I was still upset, overreacting. I would be devastated if anything happened to either of my sisters, even though they had wronged me. One day I would forgive the two of them, I just wasn't ready yet. I didn't want to let either of them in.

I hope that one-day Wren does see that there is more to life than just being number one. Us Radics', it's all we've ever know. We were born destined for greatness, and it is what we exceed at. But living a life without fun, without a supportive group of friends really isn't worth it. Life is so much better when you can spend it with genuine connections.

I was lucky to have been given the chance to show May that I did care for her. Every morning I woke up knowing that I'd get to see her smiling face in just a short few moments. She was predictable, easy, comfortable. She was a sense of stability I don't think I had ever experienced. It felt good to be more than just a great surfer. Because boy she did not care even one little bit about surfing.

What she did care about though, is that it made me happy. So every day she made an effort to make sure that I was happy doing what I loved. She took time to let me show her the way of the water, even if she was scared at first. She let go and let herself be free with me. The box she had set herself in was no longer a trapped cage, but a room with a wide open door she willing to step out of often.

She tried with everything in her to make my life easier. I'm pretty sure at this point she might even risk her life for me if I asked, as long as I was risking my life with her, she'd say yes. She didn't care what it was, as long as she was with me she was content. I guess that's what happens when you spend so many weeks admiring someone from afar. When they become yours, you're willing to do whatever it takes to hold onto them forever.

At night sometimes I lie awake, replaying our conversations so vividly in my head it's like they're actually happening again. I have to relive the way her face falls when I tell her that I still would have pursued Summer if Ari hadn't of picked her again. Some nights it makes me physically ill. I run to the toilet and spew whatever I've eaten in the day in the bowl.

No matter how many times I try to convince myself that the answer should be different, it's not. I would have continued to hurt May and I would have stayed on my journey with Summer. I would have done anything to apologize for the shit I pulled with Summer's board. I would have done everything that May is doing with me now. Because when something is good, you don't let it go.

Things with Summer were good. Even if I had wanted May all along, that didn't mean that feelings for Summer didn't creep in. She was there when I needed her, really needed her. She supported me when no one else did. She even supported me after she found out that I fucked with her board. You don't just easily move on from someone who accepts your faults for what they are.

It's hard not to gravitate to Summer when things get rough. It's hard not to run to what is comfortable and easy. And sometimes it does happen. Sometimes May has gone to sleep and I reach out to Summer because I know that she'll listen to whatever I have to say. Sometimes she won't even say a thing. She'll listen to me even if I'm a broken record on the repeat.

I know that May would do the same, it's just different. I'm trapped in this middle ground. A middle ground that doesn't actually exist because I'm with May, and Summer is with Ari. Sometimes though, there's a glimmer of a middle ground. When it's the middle of the night, and tiredness has swept over our brains. A middle ground opens up and it's so hard to not get lost in it.

Today a middle ground opened up. I don't even know how it happened. One second I'm on the phone with Wren. The next May is trying to make my sister see the light. And out of nowhere I'm upset. Like a switch had been flipped in my mind. I mindlessly took May home, but I didn't leave when she stepped inside. Instead I snuck to Summer's window and stole her way.