𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭 || baxter radic

55.

"Belle, what the fuck?" That was bold coming from Summer. "You have one night with Baxter and I get your therapist calling me because you won't answer the video call." I run my hands down my face, annoyed to be woken up by being yelled at.

"I can miss one call and be fine Summer, she said she wanted to slowly start cutting back on our days anyways." I wasn't lying. It was the next step in the journey. Daily calls turning into every other day, to weekly, to bi-weekly, so on and so forth.

"You see Belle, that's how you start. You change one little thing and your entire life course changes. I knew it was too early to let you to be alone. But you don't listen to me. I'm just trying to help you. I worry." Summer drops onto the edge of my bed, clearly upset by my actions.

"It is not your job to watch over me Summer. I should never be a burden on you. Listen, I'll call her now. I'm sorry I slept through the call. I shouldn't have stayed out late with Bax. It was a misjudgment. This is all a learning curve okay?" I try to assure her that everything is okay—that it will be okay. But it doesn't seem to take any weight off her shoulders.

"Did you two sleep together?" Another bold statement, I guess I really fucked up in her eyes. It was going to take a really long time to build my trust up with the people in my circle. I was told that; I just didn't believe it was true. Now that I'm witnessing it first hand—I understand.

Her question though, it isn't any of her business. "No, no we didn't Summer." But I answer in an attempt to stop her mind for turning into my past one. "We just talked. We went to the beach and I wanted him to tell me what he's been up to. I wanted to know everything."

"Because that's smart for your mental health. Learning about your ex hooking up with a bunch of girls." I give Summer a look to let her know she's pushing too much, but she doesn't stop her ramble. She continues on about how I'm back tracking, how I'm going to slip back from the pain Bax will put me through.

But I stop her halfway through her monologue. I can't take any more. "You're looking out for me Summer. I love you for it. I really do. But if I'm asking him to tell me, it's for a reason. I want to know that I can trust him. I have lacked trust in you, in him, in my parents, in everyone in my life. So right now, the most important thing for me to gain from all of you is trust."

I take a deep breath trying to control the racing thoughts inside my head. It was too early, my brain was barely awake, this was all a lot to process. "My therapist and I have gone through ways for me to be able to trust all of you. Each person gone specifically through with a plan set. Bax's having him tell me what he's done. If he confesses, I earn his trust slowly. If he doesn't, then I am not ready to fully let him in yet. So far he's told me everything. He's answered every question I've given him."

"Have you corroborated his answers?" Summer stops me from rambling on more about my course of action.

"I don't need to." I look at Summer. I stare her dead in the eyes. "I trust him. But if you must know. Sarah, he made out with her the day after I left. Isadora was two days after. He went back to Sarah for seconds, hoping to get laid, but couldn't because it wasn't me. Then he moved on to an old teammate whose name I've forgotten. They never kissed though, he couldn't get past how much she looked like me, but didn't at the same time. He then decided that he couldn't kiss someone if their hair wasn't a deep dark shade of brown, reminded him too much of me if it wasn't. Do I need to continue on?"

Summer shakes her head.

"He has no reason to lie to me. It hurts knowing that he was with other people. But it would hurt me more if he had just sat around moping because I broke his heart and vanished out of thin air. I understand we don't see eye to eye here. I respect your opinion, and I'm so grateful that you are here to be my support system. But I got this Sis." I place my hand gently on her shoulder.

"I love you Belle." She reaches up and squeezes my hand.

"And I love you Summer." I smile at her. "Now get out here so I can call my therapist. You've woken me up anyways." I roll my eyes playfully as she walks out of my room.

The therapy call goes well. My therapist is a bit weary that I've fully jumped into being back with Bax—even though she did give me the go ahead—sort of. I just explained that it was going to happen eventually, there was no reason to hold off. It was clear that Bax and I weren't going anywhere. We were going to take it slow. Bax understood that my healing journey was never ending and he was now vowing to join me on that journey.

It was a lot to ask of him. It honestly took a lot of courage to do it. I asked him as he stood outside my window, hanging on to the last few minutes he could with me. The sun was rising and we both needed sleep, but he would do anything for just a little more time. We had a lot of missed time to catch up on. We needed to savor every second we could.

He agreed and he's now joining me next time I go in for an in person visit with my therapist. My therapist wants me to slowly bring all of the people I feel closest to in with me. Just so they can see—and learn—what life should look like for me now. Everything is always better coming straight from the horse's mouth. We all know that I like to skew things in my favor a lot of the time. This way—with them there—that wasn't an option.

"Do you feel more relaxed having him back in your life? I feel like I can notice a massive change on how you're presenting yourself." My therapist comments. Even with my bed head, it seemed like she could see a change, I just hoped it was a positive one. Her question alluded to it being positive, you just never know.

"It feels like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. I don't want to say I've been worried about not being able to get him back, but I have been. Losing someone you love is always difficult. Whether it be by choice... or not." I point toward the differences between losing Max and losing Bax. Both hurt, just in their own separate ways. One I chose, the other I didn't. If Bax found someone else, the hurt would move to the hurt I felt for Max. I wanted to prevent that from happening.

"I can see a glow in you. Almost like you're more alive. I noticed this change when you were finally able to jump over the hurdle of losing your brother. I'm seeing it again now. You really did think hard about stepping away from Baxter. That took a lot of courage, even if you don't think so. Being able to step back into that relationship with him in a healthier light will only make you thrive more together. I can tell—I have always been able to tell—that you truly feel something deeper with him." My therapist voice calms any nerves trying to surface.

"I told you, I think Max really did lead me to him. Like he saw Bax and knew that he could fill the void that he left behind. He trusted that Bax could protect me in ways he clearly no longer can." I shrug my shoulders. "I can't wait for you to meet him. I hope you're able to see just how special he is."