𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭 || baxter radic

46.

"The one thing I love most is you!" His voice rings in my ears. It bounces around every corner deep inside my mind. It's like my brain is trying to compute the words he's just said but it's finding no meaning there.

The way the cookie crumbled would always be the same. He would hurt me, like everyone always does. I would slip. Either into a fiery rage, into saddened depression, or into nothingness. The depictions of my nightmares had me feeling it was the first two of the three. But there was never a definite answer.

I just couldn't chance it. I would rather let him have a perfect picture of us painted in his mine. One untainted by the horrors of my demons. I was unwell. I had been unwell for quite some time. I could never admit it to myself. Always finding a new way to cope, or forgetting how dark it got inside my head.

Life was a never ending battle of ripple effects. One thing always led to another. Bax picking Summer. Ari picking Wren. My mom swerving into a tree. Saving myself instead of Max.

The accident could be just that, an accident. But I didn't see it that way. So I could never explain it that way. That rippled into a hatred buried so deep I would have done anything to get my mother sent away for the trauma she enforced on me, and my future. Accident or not, she was the reason my brain rewired. I blamed her for every awful thought I had after.

Before the accident I was happy. Not a single day before the accident did I ever remember a darkness encompassing every part of my body. A looming gray cloud stuck hovering just above my head. After, my life had always been just that. A constant fight for sunshine.

Bax was that sunshine. I would always gravitate to him. Even after we split, I'm sure I'd lose the battle and find myself wandering down to the beach in the mornings. Because without Baxter, life wasn't more than just surviving, doing the bare minimum.

I was selfishly doing this. Bax deserved to be a sunshine without my darkness. I needed to get better so that I could be better for him, so that I could be his light too. This was ultimately for myself, to heal, to be healthy mentally. I couldn't do it with him by my side. If I did, I'd end up only fixing myself half-heartedly. The other half would always be focused on him instead of myself.

Letting him go meant losing him completely. I was letting go of the possible opportunity to have him back. That idea alone was enough to talk myself out of it one hundred times. I feared getting help, coming back and seeing him with someone else. But I hoped that the help I wanted to get would help elevate that pain I'd feel. A pain that was normal to anyone with a broken heart.

I wanted him to be happy. I knew that at first this would suck. He would hurt. But he's Baxter Radic, the man able to swoon any girl into loving him. His impeccable charm, his handsome good looks, a smile that could cure any broken heart. He'd find someone well enough to mend the broken heart I gave him. That I did believe.

He fights me on the issue for at least fifteen minutes before I tell him to leave. I put my foot down and usher him out the door. I cry, I sob. I turn into the mess that he had tried to pick me up from. I don't sleep. Instead I stare out the window from my bed and count the bright stars in the sky until the stars fade away and I hear the dinking sound of a metal spoon in a ceramic cup.

I rise from my bed and take the short trip into the kitchen to meet Summer's mom. "I want to get help." I clear my throat. "I'm finally ready."

"Miss May." She pulls me into her chest. It must be apparent that this decision has taken a toll on my body because my simple words shouldn't illicit this reaction.

"I don't want anyone to know. Can you please get me admitted somewhere today?" I look up at her through my lashes.

She agrees with a simple nod. No more is discussed. I'm out of the house and in the way to a treatment center before Summer even wakes. Which doesn't say a lot because she could sleep until two in the afternoon if she wanted.

I spend weeks in treatment, months in it. I have to rewire the way my brain thinks. The self-loathing and hated for every little thing is tweaked. The nightmares have vanished and been replaced with a hopeful future. I'm not cured, this is a battle I will fight for the rest of my life, but I'm ready to see my friends again.

I don't know if Summer's mom told anyone, if she broke our promise. I haven't spoken to a single person. I haven't had contact with anyone. I've simply focused on my recovery solely for myself.

"Hi Mom." I say softly as I'm embraced in a warm hug by Summer's mom. She takes in a deep breath, sucking in my scent like she's forgotten what I smell like, forgotten what I even looked like.

"Ready to go home Miss May?" I nod my head and climb in the car. No one's inside, it's just the two of us. A part of me wants to ask how everyone is doing, but I know it's only a short drive until I find out my answer. So instead we just listen to music, forgoing the awful small talk all together. She knows it's what I would have wanted.

When we pull up in front of our home, everything looks the same. Nothing has changed. I feel nerves start to fill me as I step out of the car and make my way toward the front door. I don't know what to expect but I use my techniques to calm my nerves before I spin the door handle and walk inside.

I was told that I'd feel a rush over overwhelming emotions when I returned home. There was no doubt that that was true. I did feel overwhelmed. A little bit of fear that all the progress could easily slip away at any moment. But it had been weeks of a steady normal thought process. I was doing okay, better than okay. I was doing good.

I walk to Summer's room and tap my knuckles on her door but get no response. My heart falls, but only slightly. She must be out doing something. So instead I head toward my room, but I hesitate at the door. "Everything alright sweetheart?" Summer's Mom calls out from the end of the hall.

"Yeah, just was told this will be the hard part." I motion toward the door fighting the courage to step inside. When I finally do, the full rush of emotions washes all my stability away. It's exactly how I left it.

Bax's clothes scattered across the floor. Photos of us tacked into the walls. I walk over and run my fingertips over the surface of the photos. A smile tugs on my lips, a distant great memory coming and fading quickly away. A sadness lingers, but not for long. Because though losing him is sad, the memories are worth the keep. They are inherently good. We were good together. Sometimes life gets in the way, I just hope he's doing well.

I exit my room and wander toward the living room where Summer's mom is sat watching something on the TV. "I'm going to head down the beach if that's okay?" I motion over my shoulder toward the front door and she sees me off with a simple wave of her fingers.