𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭 || baxter radic

49.

"You could have at least told me that you were leaving me because you needed to get help. But instead you make some euphemism about killing and death. You weren't honest with me and that kills me." Baxter's words fire off with heat. If he were a dragon, I'm sure real fire would be flowing effortlessly past his lips—but he wasn't a dragon, his words though, they were still fire.

"You blamed me, Maybelle. You blamed me for your problems. Saying that I would leave you—that I would be the reason others ended up dead. You placed a burden on my back. A burden that I've spent the last few months worrying about. Constantly checking over my shoulder to see if you're standing there with a gun." And just like that I feel like a gun is pointed to my own head. No matter how many times I went over this topic in therapy, I could never get over the amount of guilt I carried for placing this burden on him.

Bax didn't deserve to live in fear of me. He deserved to be happy. That was the issue though. I thought that he could be happy without me around. I thought that he could move on and be better. But I left him trapped under my spell.

Sure, he was off with other girls. Other girls he was pretending were me. Other girls who would all inevitably disappoint him because no one is the girl that he loves. No one is me... but me.

Instead of enjoying his time with them, he was worrying about if I would show up and end it all for him. But not just him, the girl too. He would risk it though. He risked it because in his head, at least it would bring me back. He'd see me and at least know I'm alive. That's all he cared about. His brain ticked for me. I notice it as he stands before me tapping his fingers in a pattern I still use today.

"I'm sorry I left you with that burden, with that pain. I was not well Baxter." I try to continue on, but he cuts me off the moment his name flows past my lips.

"Stop saying my name!" He bursts. No sense of quietness is relevant to this conversation anymore. He doesn't care about who he alerts because he is hurting. All because I selfishly made the decision to end us in my way. I didn't give him any useful explanation. He was left with a crazy girl response. He didn't get closure because I didn't allow him to.

"Okay." I say softly, pressing my hand against the window. I want to touch him. I want to hold him and fix all the parts of him I broke. I want to delicately place all his misplaced pieces in their correct location and super glue them into place. I want to be what he was for me when my mind was a madhouse and he sat there meticulously sorting through the mess.

"Come out here please." His voice softens. He hasn't as much as touched my skin. I'm sure every part of him is wishing there wasn't a window between us. And every part of me wishes the same.

"That wouldn't be a smart decision Bax." I hope the shortened version of his name is okay. But based on the small glare I receive, I guess that's out of the question as well.

"Maybelle, I feel like it's owed after the break up you gave me. A real face to face conversation not one through a window." All sense of smoothness has left his body. I didn't owe him anything but an apology, which I gave him. Bax has always felt the need to be very entitled. Expected to get what he wants, even though he's always highly disregarded and normally never gets what he wants.

Olive branch? It's okay if it's just an olive branch right? I won't try and fix him. I have the willpower to withstand my urges right? All of this was for something. All the hard work of the last few months of my life. It won't come crashing down now that the two of us are alone... will it?

"Okay..." my voice trails as I head toward my bedroom door. I glance over my shoulder to see he's already vanished. At least he was willing to meet me half way.

As I exit my room I'm met by Summer's mom. She's tapping away on her computer, lost in thought about something. But my presence pulls her, as I assume it always will now. I've given her the task of being on constant high alert. Just another box checked to another life I've altered.

"Where are you headed sweetheart?" I'm stopped at the front door. "Are you going out with someone?"

"Bax wants to talk." I point out the front door. "I won't be gone long. I'm feeling tired anyways. It's been a long day back." I smile lightly at her—slightly tired, slightly begging.

"I thought you were told to only be around him in social settings." Her voice warns me. That was true. I wasn't supposed to be alone with him. My therapist had taken time to speak with Summer's mom every week. She was updated on my progress, asked questioned when needed, was filled in on every detail that needed to be shared. She knew the ins and outs of my treatment plan. There was no hiding that.

"That is true." I clear my throat, the nerves starting to tickle the back of my throat. "But if I don't go out there, he won't leave. You know how persistent Bax is. I'll call the therapist if I feel triggered in any way." I'm talking out of my ass because I already feel triggered. I already feel the need to fall into the love Bax will always be willing to give me.

"Five minutes." She warns, going back to her work allowing me to exit.

When I step outside, Bax is standing there, has hands tucked into the front pockets of his shorts. I walk slowly over to him and it takes every single bit of my being to not wrap him in my arms and apologize over and over for hurting him. Instead of doing that though, I copy his stature, tucking my hands into the pocket on the front of my hoodie.

"I don't have long." I start, staring at the ground between us because if I look up—if I meet his eyes—there's no stopping my feet from leaving the ground.

"Then I'll keep this short." His voice is dry. Fuck I hated this. "Just answer one question for me." He hesitates. "Answer two questions for me." He corrects himself.

I nod my head, still staring at the ground, patiently waiting for whatever he needs me to answer. "Did you plan the big dramatic break up? Or where you just trapped in some sort of mental break?"

I swallow hard. He called it as he saw it. "Spur of the moment decision. I had the nightmare and then you showed up which I didn't expect. And I just knew that I couldn't force you through my bullshit anymore. I was tearing everyone apart, but mostly myself. I couldn't live with that pain anymore. I knew in that moment that I couldn't get help and make you suffer through that journey with me. I did it all out of fairness to you." I take a deep breath feeling extremely overwhelmed. I had talked about the break up a lot in therapy. But I didn't realize how much this actually affected Bax. I thought he could move on and more forward. I never expected him to be trapped waiting... for me.

"And I know now that I didn't break up with you fairly. I am sorry about that. I shouldn't have put such a heavy weight on your shoulders. But I can't go back and change how I went about it. I can only learn from my mistake and go about it differently the next time of the situation arises."

He doesn't react to my response. Or if he does, it's only a visual reaction which I don't catch because I'm still refusing to look at him. Rehashing the past took enough out of me. His emotions, I couldn't handle those.

He starts to speak a few times, but only gets a few words out, stumbling over the question he wants to ask. But once the question finally leaves I know he struggled because he was searching for just the right wording. "Do you want me seeing other people?"