𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭 || baxter radic

56.

◈ 𝒃𝒂𝒙'𝒔 𝒑𝒐𝒗 ◈

I don't want to say that I am dreading the appointment with May's therapist, but I am. I don't want to be psychoanalyzed for every thing I say or do. I don't want to be looked at under a microscope. I know that I do questionable things. I know that my abandonment issues are why I've become so attached to May. I know I've been conditioned to act the way I do, I don't need someone else to tell me that.

The only reason I said yes to going is because I knew that it would help May in her process. I can tell that the treatment she's gone through has completely flipped who she is maturity wise. She thinks before she speaks. She's less irrational. Her words are more sophisticated. I feel like I'm dating a woman, rather than a girl. It oddly makes me feel more powerful, more invincible.

She's really grown, and I'm proud of her. It just makes me question why she still wants me. Someone so unwilling to change their behavior—unwilling to seek help to get me through the challenges I'm battling inside my head. I know it's because love is nonsensical. But I just wish I could do better for her. I'm just not ready yet. I don't want to grow up.

"May?" I pull her focus as she shifts Summer's mom's car into reverse. She slams on the brakes, glaring at me slightly. "Right, sorry." I clear my throat. "No talking while driving."

She pulls out onto the road before responding to my words. "You can talk, you just startled me." She chuckles. "What's on your mind handsome?"

Handsome? She's never called me that. But I'll make a mental note to let her know that I very much like the way that sounded falling past her lips. I could get used to hearing that more often.

"Is she going to try and fix my issues?" I reach for her hand that's sat on the center console between us. She's become more relaxed when she drives. Another clear indication that whatever it is she's gone though, has truly helped her drown her demons.

"She's not there for you." She side eyes me for a quick second before directing her attention back toward the road. Her hand squeezes mine, clearly sensing the nerves I'm filling the car up with. "But if you don't mind me asking, why don't you want to work through your issues? It's your life, you can do what you want with it. I'm just curious."

May has said that she's trying to regain her trust in me. And I haven't lied to her up until this point. But this was the first time where I really contemplated lying to her. I was immature and childish. My answer was going to reflect that. As much as I hated that I was those things, I hated change even more. I didn't want to become a worse version of myself. And I feared that if I got help, I'd become just a shell of who I am. My bad sides are the only good quirks about me.

Despite wanting to lie, I don't. I confess how I'm feeling. I let it flow like a dam letting out water. It starts and doesn't stop until May presses my off button. "I love you as you are Bax and I would love you after. You're scared and I understand why. I was there after Max's accident. It took years to finally own up to myself. It took meeting you and wanting to give you a better version of myself. A happier one. One you deserved. Because honestly, I was just drowning you and our friends. I was tired of that." She shrugs her shoulders at me before leaning over the center counsel to kiss me on the cheek.

In my bit of a spiel I hadn't realized we had reached out destination. I almost even stopped May from pulling her eyes off the road. But when I realized we were parked, I stopped myself from looking like an absolute idiot.

"Personally Bax, yes you have trauma from your parents abandoning you. And from Wren and Elo. But you have found some really good coping mechanisms on your own. You owe yourself a lot of credit. I couldn't do it. But you're doing quite well for yourself." She smiles at me as she reaches for the door handle to exit the car. "Sometimes people's demons don't make them worse."

Our short rambled on conversation ends as May takes me inside the office with her. I don't pay attention to who's around us, what's around us. I don't want to think about all of that. I'm already feeling a bit overwhelmed and I don't want her to notice. So instead I just focus on her. My eyes glued to her like a magnet is keeping them there. 

She's got a smile plastered on her lips as she speaks to the receptionist at the counter. I don't know if I've ever seen her looks so light—angelic. She's actually so much more captivating, now that's she—what she calls—a better version of herself. 

It's why I couldn't stay away the day she came home. I didn't want to run after her. But once I saw her, I couldn't stop thinking about her. I hadn't stopped thinking about her sense she left but I didn't want her to know that. I wanted her to hurt like I hurt. I wanted her to feel the pain of seeing me with someone else. But it didn't affect her. She accepted it. I had to know why.

I quickly understood why. She wasn't all positive, but I would happily say that at least 90 percent of her was. It was complete change to who I had always known her as. I'm not complaining either. I love seeing her in this light. It's made me fall for her even harder than before. How could you not love someone this much when they are so happy? It makes me want to be happier myself, just still not ready to commit to the happiness as much as she is.

"Maybelle, come on in." I look at Maybelle as her name is called out by her therapist. She stands up, extending her arm to me. 

"Come on Big Shot. Don't be scared. We don't bite." She tugs me up as I wrap my hand up in hers. Before we follow her therapist in, she stands up on her tippy toes to whisper something in my ear. "Okay, maybe I bite sometimes. But this is not the time or place."

My cheeks tint pink as I follow her into  the office like a lost puppy. Because she's just turned me into one. All I can think about is doing naughty things with her. She knew what game she was playing. But I also knew that she had set strict boundaries for herself. Strict boundaries that didn't involve any sort of fooling around that my mind was wandering to. There was still some bad left in her, and boy did I want it to stay. Her teasing is one that I definitely did miss.